BEAR
by Patcat
Summary: A case forces Bobby to face some fears.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Detective Robert Goren studied the file on his desk. "Something…must be something here…a way in with one of these guys…"

"Bobby," Alex Eames' voice broke in on his thoughts. "I found something about one of the Harrigan brothers…"

"Sean, right? 'Cause Seamus seems to be something of a control freak…" Bobby tilted his head towards his desk.

"Well, Sean has a couple of beefs for solicitation…"

"Ladies of the evening?" Bobby asked.

Alex sat down and gave him a careful look. "Wrong gender…"

"He's gay…" Bobby said.

"Apparently…and with specific tastes…not the usual young boy toys." Alex slid the files over to Bobby. "Olivia Benson from SVU sent these over to me. Sean Harrigan apparently has a thing for bears."

Bobby examined the files. Sean Harrigan had managed to talk his way out of two incidents with no more than a fine, but both cases involved the approaching of two men in their forties, both graying, both over six feet.

"Could be you, Goren," Alex said, a smile pulling at the corner of her mouth.

Bobby glanced up at her and reddened before he fell into deep thought.

"Oh, no…Bobby…are you seriously…" Alex stared at him.

"Well, you're right…I'm his type…" Bobby fingered the file.

"Wouldn't this…be uncomfortable…not to mention dangerous?" Alex asked.

"Well, uncomfortable…I don't know…I've played gay before…and we've put you in similar situations…." Bobby's tone was calm and business like. "And it's the only break I can see in these guys' defenses."

Alex gnawed at her thumb. "I don't know…I don't like it…"

End Chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Captain James Deakins studied his two best detectives seated across from his desk.

"Goren," he said, "are you sure about this?"

"I know I'm not." Alex Eames spoke up before her partner had the chance.

Bobby Goren shuffled the papers in his binder. "Apparently I'm the only one who is," he said dryly.

A smile tugged at the corner of Deakins' mouth, but it was quickly replaced by a troubled look. "It's just…if it were me…I'd be uncomfortable with this…" he said hesitantly.

"Ah, but, Captain, I'm the modern model of a metrosexual," Bobby replied lightly.

"Maybe," Alex said with more than a touch of frost in her voice, "but that doesn't change the danger of this situation. We don't know much about the Harrigan brothers except their tendencies towards violence, especially towards the police."

Bobby turned to her. "Which is why we need to do this. It's the only possible way in we've found with these guys…"

"I see the potential for trouble, Bobby," Deakins said quietly.

"Look," Bobby said leaning forward in his chair, "Both of you know we've done this sort of thing with Alex, and it's come out fine. And we don't even know if Sean Harrigan will take the bait…I may be too old for him, even if I'm his type."

Deakins sighed. "All right," he said, "I'm authorizing this…but be careful…Alex is right…these guys are nasty customers even by our standards."

Bobby, as always, let Alex leave the captain's office first. He could see the stiffness and anger in her back and shoulders. As soon as they had sat at their desks, Bobby rolled his chair closer to hers.

"Alex, please," he said softly. "I need to know…I need your support on this…"

Alex fingered the papers on her desk and turned to Bobby. "You…I always have your back…I'm just afraid…"

"Is it the gay thing…that I'm doing the undercover work on this one?" Bobby leaned forward in his chair, and Alex felt the familiar uncomfortable sense his eyes were piercing her soul.

"That may be part of it," she admitted, "but most of it…nearly all, I think, is a…I'm really scared of these guys, Bobby. Like the captain said, these are really bad guys who seem to enjoy hurting people."

"You've been in similar situations." Bobby's voice was quiet. He clearly wasn't seeking a confrontation.

"Yea." Alex bit her lip. "I…Right now I have a greater appreciation for your ability to keep your mouth shut in those cases…"

"It'll be ok…we just need to make sure I'm as protected as you are in the same circumstances." Bobby gave her a reassuring smile and turned back to his desk.

A few hours later, parked just behind a bar reported to be one of Sean Harrigan's favorite hangouts, Alex wished she had something more than Bobby's smile to hang onto. There was all of Bobby, of course, who radiated confidence and competency as he sat beside her in the SVU. There was the patrol car less than a block away, but the combination seemed a rather fragile shield given the circumstances. Alex had argued with Bobby about the need for more backup, for him to wear a wire, but he had pointed out quietly and logically that this was only an attempt at first contact. A wire, or too many cops—even undercover—could easily tip off Harrigan. "Besides," Bobby told her, "Harrigan might not be there…"

Alex chanced a look at the large, quiet man sitting next to her. His salt and pepper hair was ruffled, his black suit rumpled. "Bear," she thought. "Good description of him—big, silent, gentle bear unless riled, and then…"

"You should have worn that leather jacket and a turtle neck," Alex said. "I've seen some of the girls in the office swoon over that costume." And, she thought, me too.

Bobby gave her a quick smile as he looked up from his notes. "Maybe…but the guys Sean Harrigan went for were biz types…and I didn't have to change."

Alex shifted behind the SVU's wheel. "Bobby," she asked, "this doesn't bother you?"

"What? Going undercover? I'm used to it." Bobby seemed puzzled by the question.

Great, Alex thought. He's not making this easy. "The…well, dangling yourself in front of…the whole…"

"Oh," Bobby said, finally catching Alex's reference. "You mean pretending to be gay…no…it doesn't bother me. I'm secure enough in my sexuality, Alex." He winked. "Besides," Bobby grew serious. "You've done this…does it bother you?"

Alex considered. "Well, no…not much…I don't like it, but sometimes it's necessary…"

Bobby nodded. "Well, it's the same thing, from what I can tell."

"But a lot…most guys…" Alex gripped the steering wheel. "They're really uncomfortable with any…even a whiff of anything suggesting they could be…anything less than 100 straight…"

Bobby, as always, did Alex the honor of taking a discussion as seriously as she did. "Yea…you're right. But I was lucky…there were a couple of men…a teacher and one of the guys in my army squad…I learned from them and how they acted and what they did that being a man had nothing to do with your sexuality…and even less to do with your quality as a human being." Bobby paused for a moment, took a deep breath, and looked steadily at Alex. "Look," he said, "my dad was probably what most people thought of as a real man…a ladies' man…big, strong…and he was a lousy human being." He paused. "There's…a lot of things…about myself…I'm not sure of…but I am sure of my being heterosexual…and I hope I'm sure enough of that that I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks…or prove it…" Bobby shook his head. "Boy, that sounds egotistical, doesn't it?"

Alex grinned. "Maybe," she said, "but it sure seems to be true."

Bobby opened the SVU door. "Well, let's see if I really do have all that confidence. I'll be back in a half-hour."

Alex settled in for the one of the worst parts of police work—waiting.

End Chapter Two.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Bobby returned right at the half hour. "He's in there," he told Alex as he eased into the SUV. "And I got a look from him…and, I'm proud to say, a few from some other guys." He gave her a quick grin.

Alex gave an exasperated sigh. "Nothing more?" she asked.

"I don't think so…let's try coming back tomorrow…We don't want to scare him off…"

Alex nodded. "I'll let the uniforms know, and we can head back to the office."

Bobby, lost in a study of Sean Harrigan's file, barely registered Alex's conversation with the patrol car. He did catch a comment of "Did he have a good time?" and Alex's sharp retort. He looked at her.

"They were…just wisecracking, Alex," he said softly.

"Yea," Alex replied as she maneuvered the SUV on the street, "Maybe, but they need to be working. And more open minded." She glanced at Bobby. "Anything wrong?"

Bobby shuffled the papers on his lap. "It's just…" he finally said. "Well…first…that was one of the quietest bars I've ever been in…I talked a little to the bartender…apparently a lot of the guys in there are still pretty much in the closet…It was very dark…depressing…suppressed…"

"What story are you using?" Alex asked.

Bobby shifted in his seat. "I'm a businessman…new to the area…just divorced…just sorta out…seemed to be the usual story in there…"

"And Sean Harrigan?"

"He…wasn't what I expected…" Bobby paused. "From his files…I expected an…extrovert…a manipulator…confident to the point of arrogance…instead…he was quiet…anxious…seemed to want to please…anyone he approached…"

Alex zipped through a yellow light. "Got all that in a half hour, Goren?"

Bobby gave her a quick smile. "Well, I am the master profiler…seriously, that's why I need to go back…this was sort of a scouting mission…tomorrow I'll stay a little longer…learn a little more."

"Well, just don't go too far into this guy's head, Bobby. And remember…"

"I know," Bobby jumped in. "He's a very bad guy. I won't forget."

"And if you do," Alex said, "I'll whap you up the side of the head."

There was no need for Alex to follow up on the threat as the week progressed. Each evening found Bobby slipping into the bar, staying for an hour or so, and returning to report to Alex, but he kept his professionalism. Each evening he seemed to ingratiate himself more with the bartenders and the regulars; each evening he got closer to Sean Harrigan. And each morning at the office seemed to bring more comments about Bobby's "extracurricular activities", as one of the other detectives called them. The comments slid off Bobby, who replied that at least he now had a social life, but they increasingly irritated Alex, who began to regard the statements as an attack on some fundamental aspect of her partner.

On the fifth night an upbeat Bobby returned to the SVU. "See anyone following me?" he asked Alex as he slipped in the car.

Alex checked the sidewalks and streets. "Nope, not unless he's the Invisible Man."

"Talked to Sean tonight," Bobby announced triumphantly. "Even brought him a couple of drinks…even got him to buy me a couple of drinks…"

"Are you drunk, Goren?" Alex studied him carefully.

Bobby shook his head. "Not drunk…a little tight maybe…but certainly in better shape than Sean Harrigan."

Alex set out for Bobby's apartment. It was late, and she sensed he needed to get some sleep. "Find out anything?" she asked.

Bobby nodded. "Mr. Harrigan informed me he and his brother were very successful in the import/export business…'Course, he didn't specify what they imported and exported, or how they insured no one questioned how or what they did. And he hinted at a big shipment coming in this Monday night…and that his apartment was in the building where the company kept his shipments for a while…"

Alex frowned. "But we know where he lives…it's nowhere near any place big enough to store…"

"Yea, but I think this is a second place…so if I can convince him to take me there…"

Alex tightened her grip on the wheel. "Bobby…you're getting in dangerous…"

"I know," he said softly. "But I'll be careful…and that might be when we'll need to use a wire…Hey, where you going?" Bobby looked out at the streets.

"I thought I'd take you home before I dropped off…"

"No..uh…if you're not too wiped out…" Bobby was suddenly restless, his hands flying. "Alex, could I buy you some coffee…something…I just…I'm tired…but I don't think I could sleep just yet…"

"I know that feeling," Alex said, and she had experienced the strange combination of exhaustion, adrenaline, and anticipation that marked a turning point in a case frequently before and during her partnership with Bobby. "Why don't I drop off the SUV, and we can walk to the 24-hour diner near the office?" She turned back towards One Police Plaza.

"You sure?" Bobby asked. The alcohol buzz was leaving his body and mind, leaving him animated and raw.

"Yea," Alex replied. "I'm wired too."

The walk in the cold air refreshed them, and they both settled for something less toxic than coffee. Alex sipped tea, while Bobby spooned the whipped cream from his hot chocolate. The sight and smell of food inspired them to order pancakes, and they quietly reviewed their next move in the case as they waited.

"I don't like this…you're having to actually go to his place…" Alex said.

"We'll clear it with Deakins…have a wire…plenty of backup…" Bobby said quietly. "Besides," he added with a smirk, "Sean may not be that interested when he's sober."

"I know," Alex replied. "It's just…" A thought struck her. "Bobby," she asked softly "do you worry like this about me when I go undercover?"

"Well…yeah…" Bobby took a sip of chocolate.

"You…don't say much about it." Alex studied her tea.

"Because you'd give me that whap on the head you're always threatening me with." Bobby smiled, and then grew serious. "Look, I respect you, Alex. I know you can do it. And I know it's more difficult for a woman…it shouldn't be, but it is…and for me to question it…well, it wouldn't help and make things a lot worse."

"Does it bother you…that I'm acting so …"

"Protective?" Bobby flashed a smile. "No…I understand…and it's good to know my partner is covering me."

Their food arrived, and Alex and Bobby dove into it. For several minutes they ate in a companionable silence. Bobby ordered a second hot chocolate.

"Hey," Alex said. "You've got a chocolate moustache." She gently dabbed at Bobby's upper lip with a napkin.

"Thanks," he smiled.

Alex studied him. "Bobby, you don't have to answer this…I'm not even sure I'm asking a question…"

Bobby looked at her expectantly.

Alex took a breath. "This…the gay angle…what the guys in the squad room say…it really doesn't bother you?"

"No," Bobby replied and cocked his head. "But it bothers you?"

There was a pause. "Yea," Alex finally said. "It bothers me. I don't think," she said staring at the table, "I'm homophobic or anything like that. It's just…growing up in a house of cops and firemen…and for boys, especially teenage boys… there's a fear…you know…and I just…get this feeling I have to defend you…which is ridiculous."

"I can understand that," Bobby said quietly. "And I appreciate the defense…and all the times you've defended me…and you're one of the most tolerant people I know…but it's hard to shed what we've grown up with, even when we know we need to." Bobby fell silent and looked out the window.

"What bothers me about this case," he said suddenly, "Is…those guys…in the bar. A lot of them, Alex…they tried, really tried, to do what they thought they were supposed to do. They ignored their sexuality…they got married…had kids. They love their kids…hell, they even love the women they married…but…they couldn't deny…and now a lot of them have left their lives…can't see their kids…hate themselves. Even Sean Harrigan…as horrible as the things he's done…he's one of those gay men who never had his father's approval…his father hated him…and he goes looking for his father…or his brother…in the men he meets…" Bobby stopped the rush of words.

"Are you excusing him?" Alex asked with a touch of indignation in her voice.

"No," Bobby toyed with his fork. "Just finding a reason. There's a huge difference."

"Ok," Alex said.

They finished their meal, and Bobby insisted on picking up the check. He walked Alex to the corner where she managed to flag a taxi.

"Take care of yourself," she told Bobby as she got in the cab.

"You too," he said as he shut the door.

Bobby watched until the cab was out of sight, and turned to walk to his apartment. As he walked, he tried to keep the various scenarios in his head from turning out badly.

End Chapter Three.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Alex shifted uncomfortably behind the wheel of the SVU. Captain Deakins, seated beside her, echoed her movement.

"You don't like this, either," Alex said giving her Captain a glance.

"No, I don't," Deakins replied. "Although it's not you or Goren I'm worried about doing the job. It's the backup...I'd like more...and I'd like better..."

Alex nodded. "Between you, me, and the car, I'd rather have some other uniforms than the guys we've got...they've made some comments during this investigation..."

Deakins sighed. "Yea...between you, me and the car, they're not the guys I'd like to have...but there's a major political meeting at the Garden tonight, and a lot of uniforms are there...and there's another major bust going down tonight...and we needed to have some people at the dock where we think the Harrigans' shipment is coming in. Cragen of SVU has promised me a couple of people later..."

"SVU?" Alex asked quietly.

"Yea," Deakins replied. "He told me they were still getting some information on Sean Harrigan...and he owes me a favor."

Alex grinned. "Everyone seems to owe you a favor."

Deakins permitted a smile to cross his face. "Well, it's better than the other way around." His tone grew somber. "Alex, how's Bobby doing with this?"

Alex considered the question. "He's ok," she said after a pause. "It's not the gay aspect that bothers him...the comments...everything...slides right off him...and he's been very careful about not getting too far into Harrigan's head...but..." Alex gripped the steering wheel and wondered how she should express this to her captain. "He...he's sympathetic to the guys in the bar...He...He's told me that a lot of them are lost...They have families...had to leave them..."

"Uprooted their lives..." Deakins shifted again. "Look, Alex, I'm old school...I admit to a...well, qualms...or...I'm not sure I understand...but if I've learned anything on this job is that there are a lot of..." He stopped. "No, that's wrong...It's not wrong...probably a lot of pain...and a lot of bad...wouldn't happen if people could be true to..." He glanced at her. "I'm not expressing this very well, am I?"

"You're not exactly adding to your reputation as a smooth talker," Alex said lightly. "But I understand your position." She looked out the SUV's window. "Bobby said...that we...it's hard to throw off what we learn as kids...it stays with you..."

"Well, from what I know of Bobby Goren, he's managed to...maybe, not throw it off...but deal with it better than most," Deakins said quietly.

Inside the bar and unaware of his captain's high opinion of him, Bobby Goren sipped his Coke (he'd need to move to something harder later) and studied the room's dark interior. He'd tested his wire in the front rest room (he'd learned, with a slight shock, the back bathrooms were used for other activities and were often crowded) and had discretely checked out the bar's corners. The bartender had greeted him with a friendly nod. His nightly visits for the past week had removed any suspicion on part of the bar's staff, and Bobby had managed to get on a first name basis with a few of the patrons. He wasn't sure, of course, if the names were real, but people were talking to him. Bobby hadn't expressed all of his feelings about the case to Alex: he did feel a strong sympathy for the seemingly sad men in the bar, but he also felt an odd stress in maintaining his impersonation. The stress emanated partly from the necessity to suppress any traits of an extrovert, and that the role of a depressed, haunted figure cut a little too close to the bone for Bobby, but also, he realized, from the fact Alex wasn't by his side taking part in the charade.

"I miss her," Bobby thought. "I miss her a lot…"

He shook his head. It was not a good idea to entertain such thoughts, and particularly on this night. Bobby felt the strange, heady mixture of anticipation, anxiety, and a shade of fear that marked the waiting for an operation to take place. It was just possible that Sean Harrigan might not show this evening, opting instead to join his brother in supervising the movement of their goods from the docks to their warehouse. It was also possible that contact with Harrigan might not be necessary, with the cops at the docks able to follow the material to the Harrigans' storage areas. But Bobby, and Alex and Deakins, agreed that the Harrigans were savvy enough to hide their deliveries. And Bobby suspected that this was the evening Sean Harrigan would make his move towards Robert, if only to annoy his brother.

Bobby sat his Coke on the bar. The bartender gestured towards it; Bobby gently shook his head.

"Don't worry," the bartender said. "Your buddy will be here tonight."

Bobby gave him a cautious look. "That obvious, uh?"

"Not you…but his interest in you is." The bartender wiped a glass as he spoke.

"I'm…a little…well…to be out of practice I'd have to have been in practice," Bobby said quietly.

"That's true of a lot of guys in here…but you've already picked up on that." The bartender bent down to place the glass below the bar. He glanced at the door as he rose. "There he is now."

Bobby turned to see Sean Harrigan slip in the bar. He was nearly fifteen years younger than Bobby, and trying desperately to look at least five years younger than that. He was dressed like a college student, and from his conversations with him Bobby knew that he spent a lot of time in the gym. Bobby felt a pang of pity as he watched Harrigan look around the bar; the younger man couldn't quite hide the desperation in his eyes.

"Remember," Bobby thought. "This guy has done some terrible things…he may have done them to impress his brother…but he's a dangerous guy…and he and his brother have a toxic relationship…usually toxic to other people."

Harrigan saw Bobby, and his eyes lit up. "Hey, Robert," he said smoothly.

Listening in the SUV, Alex sat up. "Harrigan's arrived," she said to Deakins. They listened intently as Bobby let Harrigan lead the conversation. It was a rambling jumble of complaints about his father and brother, punctuated by increasingly pathetic appeals for understanding from Bobby.

Deakins frowned. "What's Bobby told you…is Harrigan always like this?"

Alex tapped a finger against the wheel. "Yea…but this seems a lot worse than usual…he seems more on edge…maybe drunk or on something…"

"I don't like this," Deakins said quietly. "We may want to stop this…"

"Wait," Alex said. "I think Harrigan is about to ask…"

In the bar, Sean Harrigan leaned into Bobby's face. "He's a little drunk," Bobby thought, "or on something…approach with caution, Goren."

"Hey, Robert…why don't we go some place…where we can be alone?" Harrigan slurred his words.

Bobby stared into his beer. "I…like I told you, Sean…I've just got a room…it's a mess." Bobby swirled the glass around on the counter. "And I…I'm not real used to this yet…"

"That's ok." Harrigan slipped an arm around Bobby, who tried to keep from stiffening. "Let's go to my hideaway, all right?"

Bobby nodded and slipped away from behind the table. He strode out of the bar with Sean Harrigan. "You've got backup," he thought. "Alex is covering you…you will be ok…"

"They're on the move," Alex said. She watched with apprehension as she saw Bobby's large frame emerge from the bar.

An officer tapped on the SUV's passenger window. Deakins rolled down the window. "Now," he said with some irritation, "is not a good time."

The officer shoved a sheaf of papers in the window. "Sorry," he said. "But Detective Fin from SVU said you needed to see this." He stepped away from the van.

Deakins scanned the papers quickly and with an increasing frown. "Damn…Alex…let's move…get the uniforms on the radio…"

Alex moved swiftly into the street and handed the radio to Deakins. She had lost sight of Bobby and Harrigan when they turned a corner; the squad car should have picked them up. Her radar registered Deakins' increasing frustration and anxiety as she made the turn. The undercurrent of fear that had simmered in her mind suddenly leaped to a boil. The squad car wasn't where it was supposed to be. As Alex scanned the streets, the car suddenly slammed to a stop next to the SUV. Deakins yanked down his window.

"Where the hell have you been?" he screamed at the two cringing uniforms.

"We…just …a little break…It didn't sound like…" the cop behind the wheel sputtered.

"Damn you..." Deakins screamed. "Did you see where Detective Goren went?"

The looks on the uniforms' faces clearly indicated that they had not.

"Keep moving, Alex," Deakins said abandoning the useless cops. He barked several orders in his radio.

Alex's fingers whitened with her grip on the steering wheel. "I…don't…see him…"

"Damn." Deakins slumped beside her. "We've got to find him, Alex."

Alex chanced a look at him. "What…the report…what's in it?"

Deakins fingered the papers as he franticly scanned the streets and cars. "The Harrigans…both of them…they have charges of using drugs…" He took a deep breath.

"Oh…no…" Terrifying thoughts flooded Alex's mind. "Date-rape drugs…"

"Yes." Deakins' reply was a soft, anguished sound.

END Chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

Warning: This chapter contains rough language appropriate to the situation.

Chapter Five

"Something's wrong," Bobby thought. "I didn't see any patrol cars...there's nothing behind us...Maybe there's something wrong with the wire..." He glanced over at Sean Harrigan.

"Nervous?" Harrigan asked with a too eager smile.

"Uh, yeah...It's...just been...a while…" Bobby ran a hand through his hair. "Good," he thought, "that being nervous actually works with this scenario...But just in case..." As Harrigan drove, Bobby slipped a hand inside his pocket. He fingered his cell phone, and punched the speed dial to Alex's phone.

"Where are they? Where are they?" Deakins muttered over and over. He pounded his fist against the glove compartment.

"The wire...can they..." Alex peered through the windshield.

"They're trying..." Deakins replied through clenched teeth.

Alex's cell phone broke in the tense air. She grabbed it, ready to yell at the intrusion, and saw the number. She shoved it at Deakins.

"Bobby," she hissed.

Deakins raised it to his ear. "Good man," he said quietly. "He's got it on...Alex, let the trailer know... they can trace it...maybe quicker than the wire."

Sean Harrigan slipped his Porsche close to a dark, foreboding warehouse. Bobby peered through the car's window at the building.

"Don't worry...it's much better inside." Sean Harrigan was growing in confidence as he neared his own territory.

Bobby felt the wire burning against his skin and the cell phone weighing down his pocket. "Alex will be here," he thought. "Stay calm." Followed by Harrigan, he stepped into the dark building. Harrigan guided him to a freight elevator, and they started up.

"Not the most livable space, Sean," Bobby said, trying for a light tone.

"It gets better, I promise, Robert." Harrigan was a different person from the shy, rabbit like man he was in the bar. He was confident to the point of arrogance, strutting in his pride.

Bobby glanced at Harrigan. "You're…a different person here, Sean." Bobby decided to try to like this new attitude. "This place suits you…"

Sean Harrigan grinned as he opened the elevator door. It revealed a living room sparsely but comfortably furnished with expensive contemporary furniture. One wall was the brick of the warehouse, but the other featured a huge window offering a striking view of the city.

"Wow," Bobby said. "So this is how the other half lives."

"I told you business was good," Harrigan answered. "Hey, you want a drink."

"Uh, yeah…just a small one…I'm a little ahead of you." Bobby walked around the room, carefully assessing the leather chairs and couch, the thick carpet. He took the drink Harrigan offered him. Turning away from the younger man and making sure his reflection couldn't be seen, Bobby quickly sniffed it and took a cautious sip. There didn't appear to be anything in it, but he decided to make the drink last as long as possible.

Sean Harrigan began showing off the apartment, pointing out the spectacular view and artwork, taking enormous pride in his acquisitions. "That's how he proves his worth…his strength," Bobby thought, "by acquiring things…people…should be ok for a while…until he's done showing off…"

Alex listened intently to her cell phone as Deakins whispered instructions to the tech crew. After a few moments of frantic driving, they had stopped to consolidate their forces and thoughts. Deakins tapped her gently on the shoulder.

"They're getting a fix on him…we're close…" he said softly.

Alex nodded. "Bobby's at the Harrigan's warehouse…seems ok for the moment."

"The guys following the shipment are in the area too…we might get lucky…" Deakins appeared to be attempting to convince himself as much as reassuring Alex.

Bobby stared out the window. The city lights were bright, pulsating. "Can't get over this view," he said.

Sean Harrigan sidled up behind him. "Yea, it's great, isn't it? My brother thought putting this place was a waste…but even he likes it…he entertains here sometimes too…different sort of person, of course."

Bobby felt a tinge of giddiness. "Adrenaline," he thought. "Stay focused." He took another sip of his drink. "What's over there?" he asked, gesturing with his glass towards a door.

"That's the office—the central brain of Harrigan Brothers," Sean answered. "And that," he pointed to a door on the other end of the room, "is the bedroom."

Bobby stared into his drink. Sean wrapped an arm around Bobby's shoulders; Bobby shivered at his touch, and realized a strange numbness was spreading throughout his body.

"Hey, you ok?" Sean whispered in his ear.

"Just," Bobby carefully slipped from Sean's grasp and placed his glass on a table. "I think…I've had a little too much to drink…"

"You've barely touched that," Sean said pointing to Bobby's almost full glass. "Drink up…we're going to have a good time."

The click and grind of the elevator caused both Sean and Bobby to turn towards the apartment's door. It jerked open to reveal an angry man nearly Bobby's size.

"Sean," he said furiously, "what the hell is going on?"

"Hey, Seamus," Sean replied. "This is Robert…my guest for the evening."

Driving the tight streets in the warehouse district, Alex tried to concentrate. "Bobby's ok," she said as much to herself as Deakins. "He's good at this…he can play this guy…" She heard Deakins' sharp intake of breath, and quickly looked at him.

"Seamus Harrigan is there," Deakins said flatly.

Alex's blood froze.

Bobby tried to ignore the coil of fear in his stomach. "Uh…hi…" he said softly.

Seamus ignored him. "It's a bad time for this, Sean," he said threateningly.

Sean moved to placate his brother. "No, it isn't, Seamus…it's for our celebration."

Bobby suddenly and terribly realized he was in the middle of a scene the brothers had played before. "Maybe.. I should be going…another time, Sean," he said as he moved towards the door.

Seamus blocked the door with his large frame. Bobby considered his options, trying to keep Sean on his radar as well.

"You haven't finished your drink, Robert," Sean's smooth voice said.

"That wouldn't be very friendly, would it?" Seamus said.

"Look," Bobby ran his hand through his hair. "Whatever you guys need to settle, you…you settle it. I don't want to get in the middle of any family problems…"

"We don't have any problems…we share…" Sean said with the threat dripping like honey from his voice.

"I think, Sean, our guest needs to relax…" Seamus slid towards Bobby.

Bobby grabbed a slim lamp from the nearest table and swung it wildly. Seamus fell back, and Bobby felt it graze Sean. Sean yelped, and Bobby sprang for the elevator door. He pulled franticly at the latch, and heard the Harrigan brothers' laughter behind him. Bobby spun in time to meet the baseball bat swung by Seamus; it caught him in the right side and drove him against the brick wall.

"You've picked a wild one, Sean…This will be fun…" Seamus' voice was dark and laughing. He swung the bat at Bobby again.

Bobby's right arm took the force of the blow, but both Sean and Seamus were upon him. He felt a sharp prick in his neck and a hand grab at the wire beneath his jacket. A hard boot caught him in the gut, and hands yanked his jacket off as a leaden pain swept through his body. As he slumped to the floor, a fist landed against his face.

"It's a wire…a fucking wire!" Seamus Harrigan screamed in Bobby's ear. "He's a fucking cop, Sean…you picked up a fucking cop!" He kicked Bobby again; Bobby groaned in pain.

"They've made him!" Deakins yelled. "Let's move…find him!"

"Bobby," Alex prayed. "Hang on…I'm sorry…hang on…"

Bobby felt blood, hot and sticky, on his face. He was sick with pain and the world spun around him. "Drugs." Bobby tried to form coherent thoughts. "They gave me." He was being yanked to his feet; someone was tearing at his shirt. "No…" Shapes loomed in and out of the light; yells and screams tunneled through his head. "Alex," Bobby thought, "I'm sorry…Alex…please…help me…where are you?"

End Chapter Five


	6. Chapter 6

Again, there's some bad language.

Chapter Six

"They're getting his position…we're close…turn right here, Alex." Deakins was in his command mode, calm, steady, relaxed.

It helped Alex, at least to the point that she wasn't in danger of crashing the SUV. They passed by a semi-truck surrounded by uniforms. Alex slowed briefly, and Deakins barked several orders through the window and into the radio. He motioned for her to continue, and she sped down several blocks.

"The wire's lost," Deakins said stonily. "But his cell…they've got his position…there…"

He pointed to a nondescript warehouse. Alex slammed the SUV to a stop. Deakins grabbed her arm. "Alex…get your vest on…wait…I don't want two detectives in trouble."

Alex grabbed her vest, jumped from the SUV, and joined Deakins and other officers at the entrance. Deakins was listening to Alex's cell phone.

"I can't tell what's going on," he said in frustration. "Here," he thrust the phone to Alex. "We've got to find that elevator…The apartment seems to be in the back and at the top…"

Alex grabbed the cell and held it as she ran into the warehouse with the others. The SVU officer, Finn, was at her side. He wasn't Bobby, but he had a large, strong presence, and Alex was glad he was there.

"There's the elevator," Finn said. He, Alex and several others plunged into it.

"Can you tell what's going on?" Finn asked as they rose painfully slowly.

Alex shook her head. "Not much…it's muffled…there's…shouting…yelling." She clung to the phone. She could barely hear. There seemed to be swearing, shouts, crashes. In the midst of the mess the only distinct sound she could make out was Bobby's trembling voice saying, "No…no…stop…"

"Dammit, Sean…get away from him! There'll be cops here any minute…we gotta get rid of him."

Bobby desperately tried to focus. The lights from the city were exploding like flashbulbs in his eyes; a skinny black figure tore at his clothes, ripping at his belt and pants.

"It's a monster…from my dreams…I'm insane…like my mom," Bobby thought. He shoved against the monster, and it lurched away from him.

Seamus Harrigan pulled a gun from his belt. "Outta the way, Sean!"

Sean slammed into his brother, grabbing at the gun. "No, Seamus…you gotta watch…we …a cop…it'll be great…"

"Get away, you freak!" Seamus shoved his brother away.

"Monsters…two of them…fighting…" Bobby staggered to his feet. "Get away…gotta get away…" He stumbled to the elevator door. The lights to its side blazed red in his head; the grinding of its machinery echoed in his head. Bobby struggled to find a thread of sanity in his mind, grabbed it, clutched it. "Alex," he thought. "She's coming…unlock it…help her…" He grabbed the latch and yanked at it.

Sean and Seamus Harrigan barreled into him. Bobby clung to the latch, and the combined force and weight of the three men snapped the latch and lock. The elevator door sprang open as the three men crashed into the large window with enough strength to start a large crack.

"Faggot cop! Stupid…" Bobby heard Seamus scream in his ear. His gun glistened in Bobby's eyes for a moment, and then Sean swung the bat at his brother. Seamus yelped and rolled away.

"He's mine!" Sean screamed. "You take everything away from me…" He jumped toward his brother.

"Dumb ass queer!" Seamus yelled and fired the gun.

"What the hell is going on up there?" Finn murmured as the elevator lurched towards the apartment.

"I can't tell..." Alex held the cell phone against her ear. The other officers were terrifyingly quiet. "A shot…oh no…"

The cops tensed as one. The elevator finally reached its destination. Alex nodded at Finn, who kicked the door open. Guns drawn, they rushed into the apartment. A wave of cold air greeted them. Alex stared at the shattered window before them; shreds of clothes and skin dotted the broken glass; several splatters of blood led to its ledge.

"Bobby, no…no…" she whispered.

End Chapter Six


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

A tiny, choked cry came from her right. Alex spun and saw a shivering, blood splattered heap huddled in the corner near the elevator door. She cautiously moved towards it, and holstered her gun.

"Bobby," she said gently as she knelt to him.

He was curled up in a ball—"Like a big frightened bear", Alex thought—as close to the wall as he could get. His shirt was in tatters; his pants and belt ripped. His arms were wrapped around his head, and his body shook violently.

"No," he softly cried in pain. "Don't…no more…monsters…please…"

Alex touched him on the shoulder. Bobby jerked away.

"Bobby…I'm not a monster…it's me…Alex…"

Bobby lowered his arms and stared at her. His gaze struck Alex like a blow. His eyes were wild and glassy.

"We need an ambulance right away," Alex said over her shoulder.

"Got it coming," Fin said as he leaned down to her. "Drugged?" he asked sympathetically.

Alex nodded and turned back to Bobby. "Finn," she said, her eyes not leaving Bobby, "Can you get a blanket or something to cover him?"

Finn turned to another cop. Bobby's wild eyes followed him and then returned to Alex.

"Bobby," she said again. "It's me, Alex…you're not crazy…you've been drugged…"

Bobby desperately tried to focus on Alex. "But is it…Alex? Or a monster? What are those other things…cops…no…they can't see me like this…Alex…she's telling me I'm drugged…what…"

Bobby shivered and hid his head. "Please…" he gasped. "Don't…Alex…don't let them see me…like this…"

"Bobby, it's…we're going to help you…" Alex leaned towards him.

"Alex," Deakins emerged from the crowd of cops. "What's going on? How is he?" His professional composure was stretched tight over his fear.

Alex looked up at the captain.

"I'm crazy…it's happened…they'll never let me…back…to work…I can't live…not like this…" Thoughts swirled through Bobby's brain. Crying in pain, he lurched towards Alex and grabbed at her gun.

"Bobby, no!" Alex screamed and she grabbed his hand as it caught hold of her holster. Deakins rushed forward to grab Bobby's head and shoulders. Finn, carrying a blanket, fell down on Bobby's wildly kicking legs.

"No…Alex…please…I can't…please…don't make me live like this…I can't…kill me…please…" The words streamed out of Bobby as he thrashed wildly

Alex clung to her gun. "Bobby…please…" She struggled to maintain her grip and her control. "You're drugged…you're not crazy…please…trust us…trust me…"

His thrashing stopped. Other officers surrounded them. Bobby, Finn, Deakins, and Alex gasped for air. Bobby clutched at Alex's gun for a few moments.

"Bobby, please…" Alex tried to find her partner in the wild, lost eyes before her. "Let go…let us help you…"

Exhausted, terrified, his body wracked with pain, Bobby let go and fell back against the wall.

"I'm sorry," he gasped. "I'm sorry…"

Deakins knelt on one knee beside him and put a hand softly on his shoulder. "No need…we're going to help you, Bobby…hang on…"

"Yea, man…ambulance is coming…you can handle it…" Finn's voice was strong and reassuring. "Here, get this around you."

Alex started to wrap the blanket around Bobby. He shook suddenly and she braced for another wrestling match.

"I'm…going to be…sick." Bobby had turned a ghastly shade of green. Deakins grabbed a small wastebasket and shoved it to Alex.

"Here," Alex guided Bobby's head to the basket. She, Finn, and Deakins held him as he violently threw up. It seemed a very long time before he stopped. They rested him gently against the wall. Bobby trembled and gasped.

"I'll see if I can get some towels or something," Finn said.

"Bobby," Deakins spoke gently but firmly. "Do you know what they gave you?"

Bobby struggled to focus. Deakins' voice seemed to come from the end of a very long tunnel.

"Shot...syringe..." Bobby blinked rapidly; sweat poured down his face. "Drink...they wanted me...something must have been..."

Finn returned carrying towels and a glass of water. He handed them to Alex, who began softly wiping Bobby's face. He twisted away.

"Finn," Deakins said, "Get them organized...try to find that syringe...that drink..."

Finn nodded. "Hang on, Goren...just ride it out." He rose and began marshalling the officers.

"You ok, Alex?" Deakins asked.

Alex nodded.

"I'm going to see where that ambulance is...Get someone if you need help." The captain stepped away.

"It's all right, Bobby," Alex whispered. "I'm here...you're not alone...you're not going crazy...you were drugged...remember...use your brain...think..."

Bobby stared at her. "A...Alex?"

Alex dampened a towel with water and wiped it across Bobby's face. He trembled.

"There...there really aren't...dragons...flying around outside?"

"No," Alex replied calmly. "But there's at least one helicopter...and a lot of lights from the squad cars."

Bobby blinked. "I...I...hear spiders marching...That's not real?"

"No," Alex replied as if her partner heard arachnids attacking him every day, "there are no spiders marching on us."

"There's so much noise," Bobby whispered. "And it's so bright...it's too hot...too cold..." He shook. "I'm...going to be...sick again..."

Alex grabbed the wastebasket and held Bobby over it. He gasped and wretched, but nothing came out of him. She eased him back against the wall.

"I...I'm sorry..." He struggled to form the words.

"It's all right, Bobby." Alex pulled the blanket over him. Her hands brushed against the tattered remains of his shirt; it was soaked with sweat.

Deakins appeared at her side. "EMTs are here," he said. "You go with Bobby--I'll be there as soon as I can." He rested a hand briefly on Alex's shoulder. "They found the Harrigans' bodies down there." The captain waved a hand towards the open window.

"Window...monsters..." Bobby murmured.

Deakins sighed and looked at Bobby.

"It wasn't your fault, Captain," Alex said softly.

"Well, I didn't help things..." Deakins answered.

The EMTs approached. Bobby jerked. "No..." he said. "More...don't..."

"Bobby...they're not monsters." Alex gently laid a hand on Bobby's arm. "Trust me...you can trust me."

Bobby, wild eyed, stared at her. The EMTs dropped down softly next to him.

"It's ok, Mr. Goren...we're here to help you..." The young woman appeared to have had some experience with people battling for sanity.

Her partner, a muscular young black-eyed man, moved next to Alex. "What happened?" he asked quietly.

"Couple suspects..." Alex replied without releasing Bobby's arm. "He was undercover...they made him...beat him up...gave him some drugs...we think..." Alex swallowed. "We think it might have been some date-rape drug...or drugs..."

The EMT nodded. "Ok, that gives us an idea..."

Finn appeared. "Here," he said, offering a glass wrapped in a baggie and an equally protected syringe. "We found 'em...this is what they popped Goren with."

"Great," said the EMT, carefully taking the items.

"Thanks, Finn," Alex said.

"It's ok...let me know he's doing...he's going to be all right." Then Finn was gone.

Alex sighed and turned to look at Bobby. He was struggling to concentrate, to control himself.

"Listen," she said to the EMT. "This...this is his worst nightmare...his mother is schizophrenic...very bad...institutionalized..."

The young man nodded. "I understand...we'll be very careful..."

The EMTs gently and cautiously shifted Bobby onto their cart. He was tense, stiff, shivering. Alex stepped to his side and stroked his arm.

"It's ok, Bobby. Concentrate on me," she said.

The walls and ceiling swirled past Bobby's eyes as the EMTs wheeled him into the elevator. He tried to listen to Alex's voice, to feel her soft, cool touch, but fear rose like lava in his mind.

"Birds…birds cackling…or is it the radio?" Bobby thought. "Are these people…monsters? They're lying to me…It's not drugs…I'm crazy….They're taking me away…"

He realized the male EMT was placing a restraint around his arm. Bobby twisted and jerked. Both EMTs were on him immediately, holding Bobby down as they restrained his arms and legs.

"Easy, Bobby…" Alex said. "They need to protect you on the trip to the hospital…you're hurt…"

"No!" Bobby screamed. "No…Alex…don't let them do this to me…please…help me!"

The elevator finally reached the ground floor. Its door opened, and Bobby's screams echoed in the warehouse. They suddenly stopped, and Bobby lay rigid on the stretcher, his hands twitching below the restraints.

"Voices," he choked out. "I hear voices…I'm crazy…"

END Chapter Seven


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

The ambulance ride was the longest and worst time of Alex's life, even longer and more terrible than her vigil at the hospital while her husband's life bled away. Delusions swept over Bobby, followed by equally horrible periods of understanding when pain wracked his body and fear flooded his mind. Sweat poured off his body, and he shook with chills. He thrust against the restraints; the EMT had to wrap extra tape around his arm to keep the IV in.

"Can't you give him anything?" Alex whispered to the EMT.

"Sorry…not unless we really have to…if he goes into respiratory distress…we don't know what they gave him…we don't want to make it worse," he replied. His dark eyes were sympathetic. "And we don't know how badly hurt he is physically."

They were finally near the hospital when, in a relatively lucid moment, Bobby pleaded with Alex.

"Please, Alex," he said in a hoarse, strangled voice. "Promise me…if I'm really sick…don't leave me like this…don't let me live…help me…"

Alex brushed his soaked hair off his forehead. "Bobby," she told him. "It's the drugs…you're going to be all right…"

He stared up at her, his brown eyes struggling to focus on her. "Please…promise me, Alex…I don't want you…anyone to have to go through…I don't want to…can't…"

"Oh," Alex thought, "is this what it's like for him…with his mom? How could anyone bear it?"

The ambulance pulled up to the hospital's ER entrance. The EMTs moved Bobby through the lobby. Alex noted that two large male nurses and one security officer surrounded Bobby's stretcher. She trotted next to it and tried to keep her grip on Bobby's hand. Three impossibly young people wearing scrubs descended on them as they rushed into an examining room. The female EMT handed off the syringe and drink to a nurse, who swept them away. Another nurse approached Alex and gently blocked her way.

"I need...he..." Alex began.

"Just a moment...they need to examine him..." The nurse's tone was soothing. "He's the police detective, right...beaten and drugged..."

Staring behind the nurse, Alex nodded.

"It's so loud...so bright..." Bobby struggled to focus, to find Alex's face in the chaos around him. There were more figures, dressed in white and black, dancing in and out of his vision. "Alex...where is she...Alex..." Bobby thought.

"Alex!" Bobby screamed. "Please...help me...where are you?"

"Bobby," Alex called to him. "I'm right here...you're all right..."

The nurse gently pushed Alex back. "Please, detective...we'll let you back in as soon as possible...please..."

Frustrated and furious, Alex stepped back in the corridor. She stared through the door; she could just make out Bobby's struggling form through the forest of medical personnel. Alex was on the verge of exploding through the door when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to face a woman barely Alex's height.

"Detective Eames, isn't it? I'm Dr. Rox." She was about fifty, with soft, short, graying hair. In spite of her stature, she conveyed strength and confidence; her voice was steady and warm. Alex sensed this was a woman she could talk to and who could take care of Bobby.

"Yes…I'm Bob…Detective Goren's partner."

"I'm one of the hospital's staff psychiatrists…please…I'll get you to him just as soon as possible…They're trying to determine what he was given and to assess his injuries."

"I think…" Alex said, still trying to see Bobby, "he'd be calmer if I could…"

Doctor Rox nodded. "I agree…which is why I want you back in there…but there are some procedures…and I need some information." As she spoke, Dr. Rox subtly attempted to move Alex into a corner. Alex stood her ground.

Dr. Rox studied her for a moment. "All right, detective, you caught me. But we'd be more comfortable over there." She indicated a circle of chairs. "And he's in the best hands…I know they look like babies, but they are good at what they do."

Alex relaxed. "Ok," she said.

Alex found herself liking and trusting Dr. Rox more as she spoke with her. In some ways, the older woman fulfilled all of the positive requirements of a Jewish grandmother, with an obvious intelligence and common sense attitude glowing from her. She sat close to Alex and created a small cocoon in the emergency room's chaos. Alex kept one eye on the room where Bobby was, and answered the doctor's questions as best as she could.

"I've a note here," Dr. Rox said at one point. "Mr. Goren's mother...is schizophrenic?"

Alex nodded. "I don't know the specifics...but she's been institutionalized for some time...and Bobby...Detective Goren...is and was her primary caregiver...He saw her fall into it..."

Dr. Rox scribbled a note on a pad. "So this...the hallucinations caused by the drugs...you think Mr. Goren thinks he might be becoming ill like his mother?"

"Quite possibly...he's never said anything directly, but he's hinted at it…being a fear..." Alex bit her lip.

Dr. Rox gently touched Alex's hand. "Thank you, Ms. Eames. Mr. Goren is lucky to have a friend and partner like you." She rose. "I'll see what I can find out. Ask the nurses at the station if you can have some of their coffee...It's much better than the stuff from the machine, and they like me."

Alex couldn't bear the thought of coffee. She was exhausted; her nerves were electric currents. She slumped over and pulled her coat tightly around her. "Please," she prayed. "Let him be all right...Keep him alive...Keep him sane...Don't let him give up."

Bobby struggled against the restraints. His throat was raw from his screams; his arms red from rubbing against the leather straps. "What are these things around me?" he thought. "Are they...Alex...where is she...she said I was drugged...talk to them...try to…"

For the moment, Bobby ceased fighting. He panted, and felt sweat pour from him. "Please," he whispered.

A nurse gently wiped his forehead with a cool cloth. "Please, Mr. Goren...if you can...relax...it's the drugs you were given...you're going to be all right." She was a beautiful young black woman whose accent bore traces of the Caribbean.

"Please...Alex...Ms. Eames...my partner..." Bobby fought to form the words.

"She's just outside...we just need to find out where you're hurt." The nurse's voice was nearly as soothing as the cloth.

"What's happening to me?" Bobby whispered.

"We're finding out what you were given and how badly you were hurt. The IV is just to keep you hydrated, but as soon as it's safe we'll give you something that will help."

Bobby twitched. "Please...your voice...it helps...please keep talking to me..." he asked.

"Of course." The nurse smiled at him.

Through a haze, Bobby saw a small, gray haired woman appear in the room. The other figures deferred to her, and she injected something in the IV. Fear rose in Bobby.

"What...what is that?" He grew rigid.

"We know what the drugs were...This will help you," the nurse said.

The haze grew heavier. Strange colors and sounds still buzzed his brain, but they seemed distant and less threatening. Bobby became aware he was moving, but he couldn't tell if this was reality or another hallucination. Alex's face suddenly appeared in the glow of a ceiling light.

"Bobby," she said, her voice coming from far away. "They're moving you to a room...Hang on...You're going to be all right."

"Alex." Bobby couldn't tell if he actually spoke, or if the words remained in his mind. "Please...don't leave me."

She squeezed his hand. "I won't...I'm right here."

Bobby struggled against the darkness edging on his mind.

"It's all right, Mr. Goren," the young nurse said. "Just relax...we'll take good care of you."

Exhausted, Bobby surrendered and drifted into unconsciousness.

Alex watched as the nurses and doctors hovered over Bobby. They finished their work and stepped away from his bed. Dr. Rox approached Alex.

"Do those...does he have to have them?" Alex stared at the restraints that held Bobby's arms and legs.

"I'm afraid so," the doctor said sympathetically. "We need to make sure he doesn't hurt himself."

"How long?" Alex kept her eyes on Bobby.

"He was given something of a cocktail of drugs. We're in a bit of uncharted territory, but the effects should wear off in about twelve or so hours." Dr. Rox sighed. "He'll still have some hallucinations...the sedatives will help some, but the next few hours aren't going to be easy."

"I'm staying." Alex's tone indicated this was not subject to debate.

"Of course," the doctor replied. "I'll try to find you a comfortable chair."

Alex stood watching Bobby. Dark bruises had formed on his arms and body; his right eye was black and swollen. His eyelids fluttered, and he twitched, occasionally pulling against the restraints. His lips moved as he fought the demons in his mind. Alex took one of his hands and felt the tears she had fought all night begin to flow down her cheeks.

End Chapter 8


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Alex woke with a start. "Who…who's there?" she called out as she rose from the chair. Her muscles protested at the sudden move, and Alex stifled a groan.

"It's me, Alex." Captain Deakins' voice was soft in the room's dim light. He moved closer to her. His face was grey and exhausted. "How is he?" Deakins asked.

Alex stood by Bobby's bed. "Better, believe it or not," she answered. "It's been…rough."

Bobby, occasionally stirring slightly and murmuring, lay on the bed. The restraints still held him, but he was no longer fighting them. The dark, deep bruises on his face and body stood in terrible contrast to his pale skin.

"What time is it?" Alex asked.

"About six," Deakins replied.

Alex looked at her captain with concern. "Have you gotten any rest?"

Deakins shook his head. "I will, as soon as I leave here…I wanted to check on him. I ran into a nurse…she told me he'll probably be out until around noon…"

"Yea…his doctor thinks the drugs will wear off by then." Alex had taken Bobby's left hand in hers. "She's not quite sure…what will happen…the drugs were a mix…"

Deakins placed a hand on her shoulder. "I know…the Harrigan brothers were apparently starting to specialize in them…We broke up a very dangerous operation last night…" Deakins stared at Bobby. "I just hope the price wasn't too high…"

"It wasn't your fault," Alex said firmly.

"I'm just furious with the department right now, Alex." Alex studied Deakins; he rarely expressed his frustrations with the NYPD. He caught her look. "Or, at least with several of its members…Turns out one the reason we didn't have up to date information on the Harrigans is because they had paid for the information to get "lost". And those two uniforms…" Deakins grew white with rage…"They'll be lucky if they ever get off the beat after this, if they get that much…" He calmed slightly. "We sent him in there," he said looking at Bobby, "without enough information, with lousy backup…terrible way to support your best…" Deakins shook his head.

"He…Bobby knows the odds. We all do." Alex tried to convince herself as much as Deakins.

The insistent ring of Deakins' cell phone filled the air. Deakins checked the number and sighed.

"I have to go, Alex…but I will be back…try to get some rest."

Alex barely registered his departure. She ran a thumb over the back of Bobby's hand; the gesture seemed to quiet him. "Rest, Bobby…hang on…you're going to be ok," she whispered. "I'm here…I'm not going anywhere…"

Nurses, technicians, and doctors soon began flitting in and out of Bobby's room. The commotion, fortunately, didn't appear to bother him. Bobby remained in a restless sleep, although, as time passed, his twitching and murmuring lessened. Dr. Rox, bearing a large cup of coffee for Alex, appeared a little after eight. Alex gratefully accepted the cup.

"The nurses said you didn't leave all night," the doctor said. "So I guessed you could use this."

Alex gripped the cup with both hands. "Thank you," she said.

"How was the night?" Dr. Rox asked.

"Rough." Alex stared into her coffee. "It seemed to come in waves…even with the sedation…I think…some of the things his mother…father did to him…I know some of our past cases were haunting him. But he seemed to calm down around four or so…"

"Did you get any sleep, Ms. Eames?"

"A little," Alex said. "I promise, as soon as I know he's ok, I'll head home…"

Dr. Rox was gently examining Bobby. "If you want," she said glancing back at Alex, "there's a not uncomfortable couch in my office…I promise to get you if there's any change in his condition…"

Alex considered the prospect of a few moments of sleep. "I…I don't want to leave him…It seems to upset him more…"

"I understand…I'll try to get the staff not to bother you too much."

"How bad are his physical injuries?" Alex asked.

"They look worse than they are," Rox answered. "No broken bones, just some bad bruises. I need to ask you, Ms. Eames…I know what Mr. Goren was given…but the circumstances…was he in danger of a sexual assault?" Her tone was matter of fact but gentle.

"Yes." Alex simply replied.

"I don't think I need to tell you that that could be a serious complication."

"I know," Alex whispered.

Dreams and half-dreams, shadows and monsters filled Bobby's night. The monsters, fortunately, were kept far away by the sedatives, which also served to numb the pain from his injuries. Images of his mother, his father, figures from cases—Nicole, Tagman, the Harrigans—skipped across his brain, causing him to strain against his restraints. Through it all, he was aware of Alex, holding his head, brushing his head, speaking to him in her calm, sweet voice. She was wonderfully real, and Bobby clung to her presence like a drowning man clings to a life preserver. The images and sounds finally began to fade, and Bobby found refuge in blessed sleep.

Bobby felt cold, thirsty. "Where am I?" he thought. He tried to move, and panic rose in his mind as he realized he was held by restraints. He blinked and breathed deeply. "Think," he thought. "You're supposed to be some damn genius, so think." Bobby shuddered as memories of the previous night flooded his brain. "Stay calm," he thought. "Sort them out…" He closed his eyes, and felt a warm, soft hand on his shoulder.

"Bobby…are you awake?"

"Alex?" Bobby's eyes fluttered open to see Alex's face hovering over him.

"Hey," she said not trying to hide her relief and concern.

"Hey yourself," he answered in a soft and ragged voice.

Alex pushed the call button to summon a nurse.

"I take it that I had a rough night," Bobby said.

"That," Alex said shakily, "would be an understatement."

End Chapter Nine


	10. Chapter 10

I know that we've learned that Alex, at least as of Season Six, is living in a house out of Manhattan. But for this story she has an apartment in the city.

Chapter Ten

Alex, silently marveling at her partner, watched as a nurse helped Bobby into bed. Since he had recovered consciousness, he had suffered the indignity of waiting for release from the restraints; a cross examination before he was finally freed; one episode of being sick and emptying his vacant stomach; being helped to the bathroom and shower; a visit from an awkward and exhausted Deakins; a horribly bland tray of hospital food (which he barely touched); and the pain of a seemingly endless (and pointless, as far as Alex could tell) stream of blood and other tests. Through it all, Bobby was cheerful, courteous, apologetic, and patient, even sharing jokes with the doctors and nurses. Alex had remained in hopes of offering Bobby support, but when their eyes had met, she experienced the disconcerting sense that Bobby was trying to reassure her.

At one point, Dr. Rox, who was as charmed as any of the hospital staff by Bobby, subtly pulled Alex aside. "You probably know him best," the doctor said. "What's going on with him…is he as calm as he seems?"

"I'm not sure," Alex replied. "I've been asking myself the same question…No disrespect, Doctor, but Bobby may know as much about psychology as you do…so he could be acting the way he thinks we want him to."

Dr. Rox smiled. "Yes, I'm considering that."

"The one thing I am sure of," Alex said, "is that he's already thinking about getting back to work."

Rox nodded. "Yes…one of the first things he asked me was when he could get out of the hospital…and back to work…but he didn't seem combative when I told him he'd need to stay at least another day for observation." Rox looked at Bobby, who was entrancing a young nurse with a history of the IV, and then at Alex. "He's very concerned about you…"

"We have a …it's very good….but complicated partnership," Alex said. "It's…hard to describe it." She stopped. "I'm not trying…to be evasive or anything…it's just…"

"Do you think I should be worried about him…about this behavior?" Rox asked.

"I don't know," Alex answered.

The nurse had finished settling Bobby. "I think," Dr. Rox said, "we should let both of you get some rest. You should go home, Ms. Eames, but at the very least I'm going to force you to use that couch in my office if you're still here in an hour."

Bobby was now in a regular hospital room, warmer and more comfortable than the cell like observation room. His black eye looked less monstrous and was open, and pajamas hid the bruises on his body. Bandages covered his wrists where he had fought against the restraints. He appeared almost relaxed as he lay against the pillows, and his eyes lacked the wildness and haze that had frightened Alex so much during the past night. But Bobby's face and body dripped with exhaustion, and Alex sensed his calm demeanor of the past hours had cost him a great deal.

"Dr. Rox is right, you know?" There was a tinge of tension in spite of Bobby's light tone. "You do need some rest."

Alex toyed with the bed spread. "Really, Bobby…how are you?"

"Tired…no…beyond tired…every cell in my body…I'm so tired I can't even feel any pain." Bobby rested against the pillows and closed his eyes.

Alex let her hand rest over Bobby's. "Just…a couple of questions, Bobby, and I promise you I'll get some rest…and let you get some too."

Bobby opened his eyes.

"The drugs…are they able to tell if they'll keep affecting you…"

"They're not completely sure," Bobby answered. "Being a mix, and all…it's one of the reasons they want to keep me overnight…What else?"

The desire to throw herself into Bobby's arms and to sob for his forgiveness surged through Alex. "I failed him," she thought. "I should have protected him, and I didn't…and he had to face his worst nightmares…"

Bobby examined Alex's face. "I failed," he thought. "I screwed up…and now she's seen what I'm really like…how weak I am…she'll never be able to trust me…"

Alex squared her shoulders. "It's nothing, Bobby…it can wait…you get some rest." She turned to leave, and was almost to the door when Bobby spoke.

"Uh, Alex…" His voice was very soft and hesitant. She turned to him.

"What you did…staying with me…thank you."

Alex fought the urge to fall on the floor in a weeping mess. She couldn't answer him.

"She…she…doesn't want to …stay with me…" Bobby thought. "I've lost…"

Alex found her voice. "It's ok…better than filling out a report any day."

Bobby forced his mind out of the dark. "You really do hate them, don't you?"

"He doesn't want you to go," Alex thought. "He's afraid…of …" She walked back towards the bed. "Hey," she said, "why don't I stay here until you fall asleep…I probably can't get a cab right now any way."

Bobby's head shot up and his eyes glowed for a moment. "You're sure…I mean…" He was suddenly very child like.

"Yea," Alex said, as she pulled up a chair. "After all, I need to check out this fancy room."

Alex held his hand until Bobby fell into a restless sleep. She passed by the nurses' station to leave her contact numbers, left the hospital, and managed to find a cab. She called Deakins and left a message on his cell phone. She controlled her feelings until she entered her apartment. She had locked her door and made it as far as her couch before her knees collapsed, and Alex began to sob into the cushion.

End Chapter 10


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Bobby moved from a state of completely dead to the world to fully awake in less than a second. He was briefly disoriented and then recognized the hospital room. He sat up cautiously; his bruised arm and chest complained, and Bobby winced. He took a long sip of water and enjoyed the cool, soothing result on his throat. Blinking, he checked the clock.

"Two a.m.," he thought. "Five hours sleep…not bad…considering what I've been through…the sedative must be wearing off…" Bobby considered calling the nurse and asking for another pill. Although he was still exhausted and felt as if he could sleep for a week, a tingle of anxiety was rising in him, and a headache was beginning to knock on the edges of his brain. "No," Bobby thought. "You want them to think you're ok…don't want them to know if you have a bad night…just try to get some sleep…" He wrapped the sheet and blanket around him, and tried to sleep.

It was a sleep that wasn't sleep. Faces and voices slipped in and out of Bobby's mind. "They're not real," Bobby thought. "It's an after…the drugs…just ride it out…" John Tagman's lonely, haunted face loomed from the fog. "You're like me," he whispered. "More than you know." Nelda Carlson appeared, desperately appealing to Bobby. "Robert," she cried. "How could you hurt me? How could you take everything away from me?" Bobby twitched and moaned on his bed. One part of his mind remained painfully aware of the visions floating through his head. Nicole Wallace's face emerged from the mist. "Right on schedule," Bobby's unconscious thought and braced for her attack. "So, Bobby," she hissed. "Finally like your mummy. Was it all you thought it would be?" Bobby imagined that she was floating around his bed, draping her long blonde hair over him, tangling it in his hands. "Do you ever wonder, Bobby," she whispered, "why the two most important women in your life are small blondes?" Her face morphed into a distorted vision of Alex's face.

Bobby bolted upright and instantly became dizzy. A nurse appeared in his room.

"Mr. Goren?" she asked. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, just a bad dream." Bobby's voice was unconvincing even to him.

"Would you like another sedative?" The nurse was gently examining him.

Bobby briefly weighed the options before nodding yes. His desire to convince the doctors, and himself, of the good state of his physical and mental health was not enough to overcome his fear of the nightmares.

The sedative worked extremely well. Bobby was aware of nothing until Dr. Rox gently shook his shoulder. He blinked up at her.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Goren. I have to insist that you wake up." Her voice was comforting. "We've already let you sleep through breakfast and morning rounds. And both your partner and your captain have called to let us know they're coming to visit you. Why don't you get a shower, and I'll speak with you after that."

An increasing sense of dread filled Bobby as he showered. He strongly suspected Dr. Rox wouldn't be satisfied with some vague references to bad dreams. He stayed in the shower as long as he could, letting the hot water ease the pain of his bruises. When Bobby finally emerged from the bathroom, Dr. Rox, bearing a large cup of coffee, was waiting for him. He accepted it gratefully.

"Your partner also seems to favor a strong cup of coffee," Rox noted Bobby's smile at the mention of Alex.

"Yea," Bobby said sipping his coffee. "We seem to be the only two people who can get it right for the other."

"Do you want something to eat?" Rox asked.

Bobby shook his head. "I'm still...a little...food doesn't sound that good..."

Dr. Rox leaned forward. "So, Mr. Goren, what about last night?"

Bobby bought time by taking a long drink of coffee. "Truth," he decided. "Have to tell the truth...or as much as I can..."

"It was ok...until about two or so..." he said softly.

Dr. Rox studied him carefully. "Until the sedative wore off?"

"Yea." Bobby fiddled with the sheet. "And…um…I didn't want another…I wanted to try to…but…I had dreams…"

Dr. Rox listened to Bobby's halting description of his dreams. She suspected he wasn't telling her everything about them, but she recognized that what he was revealing was the truth.

"Well," she said quietly when he had finished. "I've read your file, Mr. Goren. It's clear you're a very bright man with a strong knowledge of psychology. I'm sure you understand why these particular dreams…hallucinations…appeared."

Bobby nodded. A desperate hope that Dr. Rox wouldn't press him rose in his mind.

"I think," Rox said, "you should stay another night." Seeing Bobby's fallen face, she quickly added, "Just to make sure the drugs are completely out of your system. And I'm going to have to insist that you make follow up visits with a counselor…It could be me, or someone with the department."

Bobby fingered his cup. "All right," he said, not quite able to hid the disappointment and reluctance in his voice. "But…when can I get back to work?"

Rox studied Bobby carefully. His file and her conversations with him had convinced her that there were two effective ways to reach him. One was through his devotion to his work; the other through his altruism.

"All of this," she said, "is designed to get you back to work…but also to make sure you're not a danger to anyone…to the public…yourself…your partner…"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "Ok," he said softly. "Whatever you say…"

A tentative knock sounded at the door. Bobby couldn't quite hide his gratitude as he looked toward the sound.

"I'm sorry," Captain James Deakins said. "Am I interrupting…"

"No…we're just done," Dr. Rox said. She suspected her patient had said all he could for the moment. "You are…?"

"Dr. Rox, " Bobby said politely, "This is my captain, James Deakins. Captain, this is Dr. Rox."

"I hope he's not giving you too much trouble," Deakins said. He was enormously relieved to see Bobby awake and seemingly well.

Dr. Rox paused as she met the captain at the door. "Well, he's not eating enough to suit any of us, and he's charming the socks off the nursing staff," she said, "but he's well-behaved aside from that."

"Well-behaved? Not a term usually assorted with you, Goren." Deakins gave Bobby a quick grin.

"I'll make a note of that," Dr. Rox said genially as she left.

A strained silence descended between the two men. "I wish," they both thought, "Alex was here." And both realized with a pang of embarrassment how frequently Alex acted as a buffer and translator between them.

"How are you feeling, Bobby?" Deakins' voice sounded forced and strained even to him.

"Not too bad," Bobby replied. "Considering…" He fidgeted with the blanket. "They…they're going to let me out of here tomorrow…and I should be back to work soon…"

Deakins sat down in the chair near Bobby's bed. "This shouldn't be this difficult," he thought. "I've visited plenty…too many…cops in the hospital."

Bobby studied his captain. "He can't even look at me," Bobby thought. "I screwed up so badly…"

"I'm glad to hear you'll be back soon…but don't push it, ok?" Deakins said.

"Captain?" Bobby spoke softly and hesitantly. "I'm sorry…I…I had the Harrigans wrong…I screwed up…"

Confusion swept briefly over Deakins' face, followed by understanding. "Bobby," he said quietly. "You think you screwed up?"

Bobby couldn't meet Deakins' eyes. He stared down at his hands. "Yea…I got the profile wrong…"

"Bobby, listen to me."

Bobby looked at his captain. Deakins leaned forward in his chair, his hands gripping the edge of the bed.

"You didn't have the information…the Harrigans bribed some low level clerk to "lose" their files…" Disgust and anger dripped from Deakins' voice. "And the two uniforms who were supposed to help us follow you screwed up big time." The captain's voice grew calmer. "You did exactly what you were supposed to do…and you helped us destroy their operation…and as bad as we thought these guys were, they were much worse. They traded in everything. Drugs, people. You performed admirably."

Bobby's mind reeled with this revelation. He fell back against his pillow and shut his eyes.

"Bobby? Are you ok? Should I call someone?"

"No…It's just…" Bobby blinked. "I just…thought…"

Deakins let his hand rest briefly on Bobby's shoulder. "No, for once you're not in trouble…you probably will get a commendation…at least if I have anything to say about it."

A slight hum filled the room; Deakins checked his cell phone and sighed. "I've got to go, Bobby. You take care of your self…don't push too hard…I want you back, if only to keep Alex from complaining about the paperwork."

Bobby gave him a wan smile.

In the next two hours nurses and interns poked and prodded and probed Bobby. He poked listlessly at the grey matter masquerading as lunch before one of the nurses took pity on him and brought him a large milkshake. It was surprisingly good, and Bobby was still drinking it when Alex appeared in the doorway. She held a plastic bag and was uncharacteristically shy.

"Hey," she said.

Bobby smiled at her. "Hey yourself."

"How you feeling?" Alex approached his bed cautiously.

"Better…but then I'd almost have to, wouldn't I?" The combination of Deakins' words, rest, and the milkshake had lifted Bobby's spirits considerably. "What's in the bag?"

"I brought you some clothes…a couple of books…and some newspapers." Alex awkwardly handed the bag to him.

"Thank you," Bobby said. He opened the bag eagerly and drew out the papers and books. "Could you put the clothes in the closet? Thanks for all of this, Alex. It'll come in handy…they're going to keep me overnight."

Alex turned from the closet. "Is something wrong? Are you ok?"

"Just for observation…really." Bobby picked up the milkshake and took a large drink. "I may even be ready for some real food…that is, if there's such a thing in here." He smiled at her.

"Here," Alex said. "You've got chocolate on your face." She lifted a tissue to wipe his mouth, and the memory of their meal at the start of the Harrigan case flooded Alex's mind. "Here," she said awkwardly dropping it on Bobby's bed.

"Alex?" Bobby was puzzled and hurt.

Alex stood before the window and pretended to study the trash compacters. "Has the captain been here?" she finally asked.

"Uh, yeah...he...he told me that what happened...wasn't my fault..." Bobby's good mood had disappeared.

Alex shot him a glance. "Well, of course it wasn't...you did...considering that you had the wrong information, bad backup...you were terrific, Bobby...it's ...it was..." Alex bit her lip. She could feel tears brimming in her eyes.

Bobby stared at her back. "Alex...are you...please... look at me."

Trembling and staring at the ground, she turned to him.

Bobby slipped out of the bed. "Hey," he said and softly taking Alex's chin in his hand, "talk to me..."

Alex raised her eyes. "I...I failed you..." she whimpered.

"Failed me?" Bobby stared at her. "You were here all night...you saved me...I said horrible things..."

Alex shook her head. "No...no...up there...they were going to hurt you...and I wasn't there..."

Bobby wrapped his arms around her, and Alex began to sob. "Bobby," she cried again and again, "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."

"Sh-sh," Bobby whispered as he stroked her back. "It's all right...It's ok, Alex...you got there...you saved me."

Alex's sobbing finally eased and stopped. Shaking, she remained in Bobby's arms.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"You've said that," Bobby whispered gently in her hair.

Alex pulled back to look at him.

"Look," Bobby said, "I...I need to sit down...I'm a little shaky..."

Alex helped him back into bed. "Do you want me to call..."

"No," Bobby answered. "I'm ok." He rested against his pillows. Alex held his hand as she sat next to him.

"This would be funny, Alex, if it wasn't so sad," Bobby said.

"What do you mean?"

"Here I am...thinking I've failed Deakins..." Bobby glanced at her. "And you...and you both...think you've failed me."

"Yea," Alex said, running her thumb over Bobby's hand. "Bobby?"

He squeezed her hand. "Yea."

Alex took a deep breath. "I...I trust you...but I...don't know if I can trust myself..."

There was a long pause, so long that Alex thought Bobby might have fallen asleep. "I know," Bobby finally spoke. "I trust you...but I don't know..."

End Chapter 11


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The next week saw an investigation, but, Alex thought, one that barely skimmed the surface. It hit the two uniforms especially hard, with the result one took early retirement and the other resigned. The clerks who had accepted the Harrigans' money to suppress their files were fired. Bobby, Alex, and Deakins all braced for the worst—although none expressed their fears to each other—and were stunned when they received commendations for their actions.

"I guess," Alex said to Deakins as they left the conference room, "making the bust was more important than any…" She closed her mouth as Bobby passed them.

Deakins winced slightly. "Yea…closing down a multi-million dollar operation will cover a multitude of sins." He watched as an assistant chief congratulated Bobby. "He's been cleared to come back to work."

"Good," Alex said. "I'm tired of paperwork…and I know this past week has been hard on him." And me, Alex thought.

"Maybe not so good," Deakins said quietly. "How is he, really, Alex?"

Alex considered the question. She had visited Bobby every day after he left the hospital, filling him in on the latest Major Case Squad gossip, making sure he got something to eat, and generally attempting to occupy his mind. He always seemed glad to see her and greeted her warmly and cheerfully, but he was strangely reluctant to leave his apartment. And, after those few moments in his hospital room, Bobby blocked any attempt to discuss the state of his physical or mental health, or the events leading to their possibly precarious state.

"I…I don't know," Alex answered quietly. Catching her captain's concerned look, she added, "I'm not trying to hide anything…He SEEMS fine…He's eager to get back to work…He's been…interested in everything I've told him…I know he's going to see someone…He's been especially kind to me…But he won't talk to me about…the Harrigan case…or what happened…"

"Here's the question, Alex…Do you trust him? Would it be dangerous for other cops…civilians…him…to let him come back?" Deakins studied her.

Alex took a deep breath. "I trust him…I know he's not dangerous to other cops…civilians…but, to be honest, Captain, I don't know about him being dangerous to HIM."

"Are you willing to work with him?"

Alex steadily met Deakin's gaze. She knew that Bobby might, in the heat of a pursuit, ignore her, but he would never willingly hurt her or put her in danger. "Yes," she said.

Bobby, smiling, approached them. "Hey," he said quietly. "I guess we all dodged a bullet."

"Yea," Alex said. "Some of us less than others."

Bobby glanced at her and turned to Deakins. "I'll be back tomorrow," he said eagerly.

"Bobby, don't push it…I want you back…everyone wants you back…but we want you in good shape…" Deakins said.

"If I don't get back soon," Bobby answered, "I'm not going to be in shape for anything."

Deakins gave an exasperated shrug and wished them good night.

"He's right, Bobby," Alex said with concern. "You don't want to push it…"

"Alex," Bobby replied with a slight edge to his voice, "I'm fine…the doctors say I'm fine…My bruises are healed and I haven't had any after affects from the drugs…It's been a week…I'm going stir crazy…"

"Hey," Alex said aware she was treading on dangerous ground, "I've offered…even tried to push…you out…"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "I know," he said softly. "I just…" He looked at her. "Let me buy you dinner…make up for my bad behavior."

To Alex's surprise, Bobby didn't head for one of their usual spots, opting instead for a newly opened Thai restaurant. "I want to try some place new," he told her. The evening was thoroughly pleasant. Bobby was charming--engaging the restaurant's staff in long discussions regarding the food; asking Alex about her family; admiring the latest pictures of her nephew. But Alex felt throughout the evening that Bobby was putting on a performance designed to reassure her. And he was unusually anxious to leave, suggesting that they return to his apartment to have coffee.

The weather was clear, and Alex expressed a desire to walk to Bobby's apartment. He agreed, but Alex noticed the tension increase in his body as the streets grew darker. Like most cops, Bobby was always vigilant, always on guard for potential dangers, but this was on a higher level. His dark eyes moved rapidly, his stride lengthened. By the time they were near his apartment Alex was close to running in order to keep up with him.

"Hey, Goren, ease up," she called to him. "Remember, my legs are half the length of yours."

Bobby stopped. "Oh, sorry…"

"It's ok…here…let me make sure we stay at the same pace." Alex hooked her arm through his. Bobby stiffened.

Alex started to pull away. "Sorry," she said.

"It…it's ok…you just…startled me…a little." Bobby placed a hand on her arm; Alex let it remain here until they reached Bobby's apartment.

"You want coffee? Something stronger?" Bobby asked.

Alex tried to assess his mood. He seemed to want her company, but he was also restless.

"How about some of that old Irish whiskey you keep raving about?" she said.

"Hey, I'm saving that for a special occasion." Bobby leaned against the wall that separated the small kitchen from the rest of the apartment.

"You're going back to work," Alex answered.

Bobby smiled. "Sounds special enough to me." He disappeared into the kitchen.

Alex settled on the couch. Until this week, Bobby's apartment was relatively foreign territory to her. She had poked her head in while waiting for him to change clothes or pick up something, but on those occasions she had rarely ventured beyond the doorway. It was either a small one bedroom apartment converted into a large studio, or a large studio that could have been a small one bedroom. Alex couldn't tell if or when a conversion had been made, but the result was a fairly large, at least by New York City standards, room that served as the bedroom/living space. A sliding glass door opening on a small balcony dominated one wall, rows of bookshelves the opposite wall. A small kitchen was directly to the right of the door, but only the coffeemaker showed much sign of recent use. Bobby's couch was up against the wall, which contained the only closet, separating the kitchen from the rest of the apartment; directly across from it were more bookshelves which served not only for storage but to create a private space for his bed and dresser. The bathroom lay just beyond the bedroom space; it was long and narrow, and Alex, when she first entered, wondered if Bobby had to back out of it when he left it. Bobby's desk occupied a corner created by a bookshelf and the glass door; its chair was the only other furniture. ("Where do you eat," Alex had asked Bobby, who murmured something about the desk being fine.) A small, but expensive, stereo rested on one of the bookshelves; the TV on another. The furnishings were spare and utilitarian; no personal pictures covered the walls, and Alex saw no evidence of the rewards and commendations she knew Bobby had received. Aside from the books and the meticulously shelved case files, there was nothing to reflect the personality of the man who lived in the apartment. "It might as well be…a cave," Alex thought.

Bobby, carrying two drinks, emerged from the kitchen. "Here you go," he said. "Don't drink it too fast."

"I think, Goren," Alex replied with a smile, "I know how to drink Irish whiskey."

A quick smile darted across Bobby's face. He sat in the desk chair and studied the bookshelves.

"I really need to get rid of some things," he said. He took a sip of his drink.

"Really?" Alex asked. "I was just thinking it was a little sparse in here."

"I've…always traveled light," Bobby answered. He stared into his drink. "Being in the Army and all…All these books…sorta snuck up on me."

The alcohol was creating a warm glow in Alex; she felt safe, if not entirely comfortable. "Maybe," she thought, "I can get him to talk about it…"

"It'll be good to have you back, Bobby. Everyone misses you. Even Carver…he needs someone to argue with."

"I find that hard to believe." Bobby smiled briefly. "Everyone misses me, uh?" There was a tone to his voice Alex couldn't quite identify.

"Yea…they do, Bobby." Alex decided her partner could use some positive reinforcement. "You make everyone in the squad look better…and work better."

Bobby spun his glass in his hands. "Nah," he finally said. "Everyone's just worried you'll get cranky doing all the paperwork."

"Well," Alex thought, "So much for trying to get him to talk…" She sipped her drink, trying to think of another way to reach him.

"Hey," Bobby said softly. "Your glass is empty…you want another?"

Alex stared at her glass; she hadn't been aware of the liquor disappearing. "No, thanks, Bobby…but…it's late…I'd better get going, especially if you keep that threat to come in tomorrow."

"You're sure?" Bobby took her glass and headed towards the kitchen.

Alex tried to gage Bobby's mood. He seemed both anxious for her to go and to want her to stay. She followed him to the kitchen.

"Do you want me to stay?" She asked.

"Uh…you probably need to get home…I'll call you a cab." Bobby was making a concerted effort to stay as far away as he could from Alex, no easy task in the tiny kitchen.

Alex decided to surrender: all of Bobby's defenses were up and she was too tired to battle them. "That's ok…I can walk…you know the subway isn't that far from here…"

"No, it's too late, Alex…" Bobby had already started dialing.

"Bobby, don't bother…It's still early…There's plenty of people out…I can always pick up a cab if I need to…" Alex was both irritated and puzzled—Bobby knew that she hated for him to be protective.

Bobby held the phone in his hand. "Please," he pleaded. "I'd…I'd just feel better…"

Alex threw up her hands. "All right…but I'm doing this under protest."

Bobby gave her a wan smile and ordered the cab.

Alex started downstairs to wait for the cab in the lobby of Bobby's building. To her surprise, Bobby went with her. They were both silent in the elevator, but when they reached the lobby Alex turned to Bobby.

"So what's with the escort?" she asked.

Bobby stared at his feet. "I'm sorry, Alex…I know you hate it when I'm like this…but…I need to know you're ok."

"All right," Alex replied. "But if you start calling me in the middle of the night there's going be some serious hell to pay."

"Understood," Bobby said.

He followed her out to the cab and made sure she was safely in before he scuttled back inside the lobby.

"Nice guy," the cabbie said. "Boyfriend?"

"No," Alex said, her head turned to watch Bobby. "Professional partner…and good friend."

"Too bad," the cabbie said.

From the lobby, Bobby watched the cab speed Alex away. He rode the elevator up with Mrs. Argoso, who was glad of his company. "It makes me feel so much safer," the white haired woman said, "to know there's a big, nice policeman in the building." Bobby tried not to think about the irony of her statement. He helped carry her packages to her apartment, politely but gently refused her offers of food and/or drink (promising to take her up on her offer when he didn't have to go to work in the morning); and made his way back to his apartment. He had left the lights on, but he still checked inside the closet and bathroom. He stared at his phone and considered calling Alex to make sure she got home ok. "It's too soon," he thought. Bobby showered, brushed his teeth, and was just about to climb into bed when the phone rang.

"Hello," he answered hesitantly.

"Hey, Goren—it's me." Bobby smiled at Alex's voice. "I wanted you to know that monsters didn't get me on my way home."

"Thank…thank you. That's considerate of you." He gripped the phone tightly.

"Entirely selfish," Alex said. "I didn't want to get that middle of the night call." Her tone changed to one of concern. "You take care of yourself…get some sleep."

"The only thing keeping me from sleep is you," Bobby said.

"Ok…by, Bobby."

"By, Alex."

Bobby hung up the phone and slipped between his sheets. One light was on in the room, as it had been every night for the week since he'd returned from the hospital. For a moment, Bobby considered taking one of the pills Dr. Rox had prescribed "just in case". "No," he thought, "this isn't that case…I'll be ok…Everything will be ok once I get back to work…The dreams will stop…I'll be able to talk to Alex…I just have to get back to work."

Bobby gripped his pillow and tried to sleep.

End Chapter 12


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Bobby, trying to remain as calm as possible, sat on the old couch in Dr. George Huang's office. At their first session, Huang suggested Bobby's large frame might be more comfortable on it than in the small chair across from the desk. Bobby, hoping to demonstrate his cooperation, happily sprawled on it, but at times the couch's many lumps made him wish for the chair.

"Be cool," Bobby thought. "Don't show him how much you don't want to be here…just tell him enough…you've got to do this so you can work…"

"So, detective, how was your first day back at work?" Huang studied Bobby carefully. Goren was turning into one of his most fascinating and frustrating patients. Fascinating because of the detective's intelligence, curiosity, and astounding well of knowledge; frustrating because of Goren's retinence and defenses. Huang had heard of Goren's brilliance and unorthodox methods through the department's grapevine—Detective Finn, who had worked with Goren in Narcotics, described him as "serious smart and serious crazy." But Finn also made it clear he would cover Goren's back at any time, and, more importantly, would want Goren to cover his back. Other officers—ones that Huang admittedly found intolerant and close-minded—hinted darkly that Goren was one step away from becoming a perp and that his knowledge of and sympathy towards the mentally ill were the result of his own twisted thoughts. But his file showed no signs that he was a loose cannon or a tight wire about to snap—instead, it was full of commendations applauding the detective for his restraint and effectiveness, although each note of praise also seemed to contain a comment regarding his unusual methods and disregard for authority. Their sessions were full of discussions about the psychology of criminals, literature, history, science—an astounding array of subjects, none of which approached the supposed purpose of the meetings, namely, the state of Detective Robert Goren's mind.

"It…it was good…good to be back at work," Bobby replied, and Huang felt the increasingly familiar feeling that the detective was quietly and effectively blocking his efforts to reach him.

"No awkwardness?" Huang asked.

"Oh…maybe…I really didn't notice it," Bobby said offhandedly. "It was just good to be back at work…even if it was paperwork…but Eames and I should have a case or two tomorrow."

Huang noticed, not for the first time, that the mention of his partner's name resulted in the relaxation of Robert Goren's body. "Detective Eames," Huang asked, "She was glad to have you back?"

A barely perceptible frown briefly crossed Goren's face; a less observant man than Huang might have missed it.

"Oh," Bobby said in a casual tone, "I think she was glad to have someone to share the work with…She doesn't mind the forms too much, but she likes me to write the reports…Says I make them more interesting." Bobby uncrossed his legs. "Would you mind if I stood up?" he asked politely. "I feel like I've been sitting all day."

"Of course," Huang answered. The psychiatrist had at first regarded Goren's need to pace as an effort at intimidation, but quickly realized the movement appeared to aid the detective's thinking.

Bobby, trying to stifle a yawn, stood and stretched.

"How's your sleeping?" Huang asked, although he suspected he knew the answer.

Bobby gave the same answer he had every time Huang had asked the question. "Ok. Like I said...I don't generally sleep real well..."

Huan decided to press the question. "Have you used any of the pills..."

"No," Bobby answered quickly, perhaps too quickly. Seeing Huang's interest, he added, "I...I don't like to take medications...even cold medicines...I don't like my mind..." Bobby stopped and paused to look out the office window.

"You still don't remember what happened in the Harrigans' apartment?" Huang's voice was gentle.

Bobby stared out the window: Huang was sure that it wasn't the view that held his attention.

"No," Bobby finally answered. "It's all pretty much of a haze."

"You don't recall trying to take Detective Eames' gun...telling her..."

"We've been through all that," Bobby said, not turning around. "I don't remember it clearly...I was drugged...and beat up..."

Huang caught the slight stiffening in Bobby's shoulders. The detective rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

"Look, Doctor...I'm really tired...could we cut this short...I...I want...to be sharp tomorrow."

"All right, detective." Huang felt there was no reason to continue the session. "I'll see you..." The doctor consulted his calendar. "On Friday...about four."

Bobby looked at Huang. "Is...is it...really necessary...to...to go on with this?"

Huang returned Bobby's gaze. "Yes, I think so..."

"But...but I've told you...I don't remember...I don't think I will...I'm ok..." For a moment, Bobby considered trying to use his size to intimidate Huang, but he had already learned that the doctor, although slight in size, could be big in attitude.

"And I think," Huang said quietly, "that we need to discuss that."

Bobby accepted defeat. "All right," he said softly as he put on his coat. "I'll see you Friday."

Bobby, not bothering to wait for the elevator, flew down the building's steps. Outside, he took a deep breath of the cold, fresh air. When it was needed,  
Bobby was good at lying, but the effort still took a lot out of him. And he had told a lie, a big lie, to Huang. It had been more than awkward in the office. All day he had been aware of the averted eyes, the soft whispers, the quick glances. Deakins had welcomed him back, but was unable to look him directly in the  
face. And Alex...

Bobby began walking in the general direction of his apartment. Throughout the day, Alex alternated between hovering over him and running away. She seemed both eager to talk to him and afraid of him. They had lunch together at one of their favorite places. It had started well enough, until the waitress asked where Bobby had been for the past week. He had stammered out a few words about a case, and caught a look on Alex's face of...what? Shame? Was she ashamed of him...of what happened? The lunch continued in an unhealthy silence.

Bobby hurried on to his apartment; lately he found himself not wanting to stay out late. His cell phone rang; Bobby answered it.

"Hey," Alex voice said.

"Hey." Even with the strain of the day, Bobby was still relieved to hear her.

"All done for the day?" It was as close as she came to referring to Bobby's sessions with Huang.

"Yea," Bobby answered, unable to hide the relief in his voice.

"How about I buy you dinner in celebration of your return?" Bobby thought he detected tension in Alex's voice.

"Uh...that's nice of you, Alex...but...but...I'm almost home...and I'm really tired..."

"Bobby? Are you sure?" Bobby couldn't tell if Alex sounded relieved or hurt.

"Yea...but..." He couldn't bear the idea of disappointing her. "I'll...take a raincheck, ok?"

"All right...but you call me, Goren, if you need anything or want to talk..."

Bobby had reached his building and he scurried inside the lobby. "I...I..."

"I mean it, Bobby...I always have...whatever you need...anytime..."

There was a long pause before Bobby managed to collect his thoughts and answer. "I...understand..." He juggled the phone as he found his key. "I will..."

"Ok...see you tomorrow, Bobby." Alex's voice was gentle and concerned.

"See you tomorrow, Alex...and...and thank you."

Bobby entered his apartment. "Cave," he thought. "My little cave where I can hide." He considered what to do. The idea of food repulsed him, and although he was bone tired, the idea of sleep was not comforting. He had told Huang another lie that day. Bobby remembered, all too well, what had nearly happened and had happened at the Harrigans' building.

End Chapter 13


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Captain James Deakins drifted past Alex's desk. As he had every day for the three weeks since Bobby had returned to work, he asked, "How is he?"

Alex glanced over to watch Bobby conduct his usual struggle with the copy machine. As she had for every day in the three weeks since Bobby had returned, she said "He's ok."

Deakins did not respond with his usual understanding look and nod. He checked the nearly empty office and studied Bobby for a moment. "He's missed his last three appointments with Dr. Huang."

Alex head shot up.

Deakins stood quietly. "Huang called me…told me Goren said he was involved in cases…"

"We…we have been." Alex struggled with her loyalty to Bobby and her concern for him. "But…he should have been able to make at least one or two appointments…"

"You didn't know he'd missed them?" Deakins asked quietly.

Alex shook her head. "He doesn't…like to talk about them…even to acknowledge them…I know he doesn't like them…"

"Look, Alex…He's been cleared to come back to work…and as far as I can tell his work has been…well, it's always been commendable, but in these last weeks he's gone to another level. But Huang's concerned…he doesn't want to cause trouble for Bobby, but he's concerned about him. " Deakins gave a barely audible sigh. "I can't…and I don't want to…make this an ultimatum for Bobby. And I hate to put this on your shoulders…but I need to know if there's a problem, and you're the only person who seems to be in a position to tell me if there is."

Alex watched Bobby fumble with the copy paper. Under normal circumstances her partner's legendary travails with office equipment would have been the cause for some amusement, but neither Alex nor Deakins felt much like laughing.

"I…I don't know if I am in a position to tell you," Alex said hesitantly. "He's never been completely open about a lot of things…even with me…but lately…it's as if he doesn't exist outside of work."

Deakins gave her a sympathetic look. "I'll talk to him," he said gently. "But…well, just let me know if there's anything…"

Alex nodded. "I will."

Bobby, another battle with the copier ended, approached them. He was, Alex thought, drawn and tired, the shadows under his eyes darker and deeper than usual. For the past three weeks Bobby had been in the office in the morning when Alex arrived; he remained after she left. "I wonder if he's getting any real rest at all," Alex thought.

"Hey," Bobby said, smiling at both Alex and Deakins. "I swear I have really bad karma with that copier." He was about to sit down when Deakins stopped him.

"Bobby, just a moment…I need to speak to you."

Surprised, Bobby gave Alex a quick glance and followed the captain into his office. She tried to keep her mind on the arrest reports in front of her, but her eyes returned to Deakins' office. Deakins sat on the edge of his desk ("So he's trying not to be confrontational," Alex thought); Bobby in a chair. Bobby slumped slightly, and then straightened. Bobby stood up, and Alex saw Deakins briefly rest a hand on the younger man's shoulder as he left the office.

"Everything ok?" Alex asked as Bobby sat across from her.

He considered the question. "Uh…yea….fine." Bobby focused on the reports in front of him.

Alex took a deep breath. "Bobby," she asked tentatively, "are you making your appointments…"

Bobby's head shot up. "Why," he hissed, "is everyone so interested…" He struggled to control his anger. Before she could catch herself, Alex recoiled.

Bobby's eyes darkened and softened. "I'm…s—sorry," he whispered. "It's …just that…that's what Deakins wanted to talk to me about…and…." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Look," he said, "I'm fine…really…"

"But Bobby," Alex leaned forward. "You're not FINE. I can tell you're not sleeping well…I never see you eat…"

"I…C'mon, you know I've never slept well." Bobby fidgeted in his chair. "And I'm eating…" He could tell his words weren't convincing Alex. Bobby pulled his one ace. "And my work…Eames, not to blow my own horn, but my work has been good…Even Deakins said so…"

Alex sighed. Bobby had played his trump card. His work had been exceptional since his return, not only on their cases, but on others. He had always been the Major Case Squad's go to player, the detective other detectives went to when the case seemed impossible, but in the past weeks he had polished his already brilliant reputation. His behavior had been remarkable as well, not for its eccentricity, but for its accommodation and understanding. Instead of barging into situations, Bobby had carefully rumbled; and, at every point, deflected praise from himself to other detectives, Deakins, Alex, even Carver. But through all of it, Alex sensed a rising tension in Bobby, an effort to distance himself from everything and everyone around him. All of his contacts—even with her—were on a formal, business like level. Alex not only missed the personal contact, but she feared that Bobby had started viewing the individuals in their cases—victims and perps—as something less than human. And she feared that Bobby was trying to treat himself as something less than human.

"No one can argue with your work, Bobby," she said. "But you're pushing yourself so hard…and you've been through…"

"I know…I was there, remember?" Bobby snapped. Seeing Alex's fallen face, he immediately hated his words. "I'm …I'm sorry…that…wasn't fair…" Bobby felt terrible. "You're…right….I've been pushing too hard…Afraid everyone could get along without me…" He gave her a wan smile. "I've…promised Deakins…I'll be a good boy and make my appointments….I don't think the sessions are that important, but for Deakins…and you…" His voice had suddenly become very soft.

As Bobby spoke, Alex's emotions ranged from badly hurt to anger to forgiveness. "You shouldn't go to them for Deakins…or me…" Her voice dropped, Alex couldn't meet Bobby's eyes. "You should do it for you."

Bobby stared at his computer screen. "Yea…well…Huang's a good psychiatrist…but…it's hard for me…to see the need…"

Alex summoned more strength. "Bobby, you know about psychology…more than almost anyone…you could probably get a doctorate…you know you need to talk about this…tell someone…"

"Eames," Bobby sighed. "I keep telling everyone…I'm OK…It's over…just a few dreams, and I wouldn't be normal if I didn't have those. Please…"

Alex thought he was decidedly not "OK", but the exhaustion and plea in Bobby's voice ended her pursuit. "Ok," she said.

In the next weeks, Bobby more than kept up his end of the unspoken bargain. He faithfully attended his sessions with Dr. Huang; he performed his work with exceptional brilliance; he insisted he was fine. And Alex watched as he seemed to disappear more and more into his emotional cave.

End Chapter 14


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Is there," Alex thought, "a colder place than the tip of Manhattan in November." She shivered and tried to disappear inside her coat. She had finished interviewing the two uniforms and the homeless man who had found the young man's body. Bobby, performing his usual meticulous examination of the body, had already vexed the crime scene technicians. Her notebook and pen ready, Alex approached him carefully. He glanced up at her.

"No sign of trauma…we're going to need the ME's report to know the cause of death…but look at this…" Bobby lifted the young man's head, pushed away a strand of blonde hair, and pointed to a small red mark on his neck.

Alex crouched next to Bobby. "A needle mark?"

Bobby nodded and stared into space.

"Hey, you ok?" Alex asked, grateful that their bodies shielded their faces from the eyes of everyone on the scene.

"Uh…yea…fine. Did…did you talk to the uniforms?"

"Yea…the homeless guy….Benji Orino…stumbled over the body about four in the morning." Alex glanced at her notes. "He waved down the uniforms…they know him…apparently he picks up some cash as an occasional informant. The uniforms say he's pretty reliable as long as he's on his meds…which he apparently is at the moment because he made a lot of sense when I talked to him."

Bobby returned to his examination of the body. "We have an ID?"

"Yes." Alex held up an evidence bag containing a wallet. "Mr. Orino admitted he pulled his wallet…he was looking for cash and didn't find any…

Bobby sniffed at the body's lips. "You believe him…"

Alex nodded. "Yea…and the uniforms say while he's quick to take opportunities he's also honest…and he certainly doesn't have any cash on him…"

Bobby checked the pockets of the well-cut jacket on the body. "Nothing here, or in his pants…" he said.

"All the credit cards and ID are still in the wallet," Alex said. "And they say that he's" she nodded towards the body, "Michael Jerome Caughley…student at Hudson…"

"Caughley…as in the councilman?" Bobby asked as he stood up.

"Yea," Alex answered. "Hence why we're here."

"Great," Bobby muttered.

"Hey," Alex said. "I'm the one who gets to complain about demanding two bit politicians. No stepping on my turf."

Bobby gave her a quick smile. "Well, it's pretty clear he was dumped here…the question is where he was before he got here and who was with him…we both know the drill…let's trace Mr. Caughley's movements and get to know his friends…"

His friends knew Michael Caughley as M.J., and there were a lot of friends. As the investigation proceeded, Alex was reminded of a warning from her father, one she heard repeated from every cop she admired, including Deakins and Bobby. "Remember—look beyond the obvious." Her first impression was that Michael Caughley was a spoiled rich kid whose small time political father was throwing his low weight around, but Alex discovered that the elder Caughley was a grieving father who simply wanted to know what had happened to his son. Michael Caughley did have expensive clothes and belonged to a fraternity, but he was also an honors student and head of his house's charity efforts.

The president of the fraternity, and one of several people who claimed M.J. was their best friend, gave Alex and Bobby the key to the case.

"It was stupid," the red-eyed young man told them. "One of the things we have pledges do. We…make them go to a gay bar…just have one drink…M.J. thought it was stupid…and made us look like a bunch of narrow minded idiots…but he told me at least it was better than making the pledges drink until they were sick…M.J. insisted that some of us go with the pledges to make sure they were ok…We went to this one place…that's the last place I saw him…I thought he'd left early to study…he had a test…" The young man broke down in sobs. "I let him down…I shoulda…"

Bobby gently guided the young man to a chair. "What's the name of the bar?" he asked quietly.

"Here…I grabbed one of their matchbooks and stuck it in my pants…I came across it this morning…just after…" The young man struggled to control himself. "I thought you might need this…" He handed the matches to Bobby.

"Thank you," Bobby said. He looked at the matchbook and jerked as if he had been hit. He stood up and stumbled out of the fraternity house.

Alex stared after him, and turned to the young man who was too upset to notice Bobby's sudden departure. "Thank you," she said. "We'll be in touch if there's anything else…we'll do everything we can to find out what happened to your friend."

Alex found Bobby, turning the matchbook over and over in his hand, standing beside the SUV. He was pale, and Alex thought he was struggling to keep from trembling.

"Hey," she said softly. "What is it?"

Bobby ceased his relentless spinning of the matchbook. He stared at Alex for a moment and then mutely handed it to her. Alex read the name on the matches.

"This…" she said as a sickening recognition rose in her, "is the bar…"

"Sean Harrigan's favorite," Bobby whispered.

End Chapter 15


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

"I can do this, Bobby….Or we can send another team…" Alex said. "You don't have to do this."

"Yes…I do…." Bobby stared out the SUV's window at the bar. "I already know the place…the bartenders…" He was out of the car before Alex could add to her protest.

Bobby moved swiftly, with the air of a man who has made a decision and wants to see it through as quickly as possible. Alex had to trot to keep up with him. They entered the bar, and Alex was briefly disoriented by the dim light. Bobby, familiar with the bar's layout, moved quickly to his right. At the relatively early hour there were few patrons. The bartender raised his head from just under the dark wood on the bar closest to the front door.

"Can I help you?" he asked politely, giving Alex a skeptical eye. His eyes widened in recognition as he studied Bobby. "Don't I know you…I don't think we've seen you for a while…"

"Uh…yea…look, this is a little awkward." Bobby leaned forward, welcoming the bartender into a conspiracy with Alex. "I'm a cop…" Bobby displayed his badge; the bartender's eyes widened. "Don't worry…the bar…you…not in trouble…it was for a case…"

"Harrigan…" the bartender whispered. "Heard he was up to no good."

"He was," Alex declared, "a pretty bad guy."

"Yea," the bartender answered. He was a well-built, muscular man in his mid to late thirties with sandy hair. Alex thought she might find him attractive if she thought she was the right gender for him. "I read about it in the papers," he said as he shelved several glasses.

"We're not here about that," Bobby said quietly. Alex sensed he had no desire to discuss Sean Harrigan with anyone. "Did you see this guy here last night?" Bobby held out the picture of M.J. Caughley.

The bartender wiped his hands on a towel and took the photo. "I think I did…maybe with a group of college kids…most of 'em left pretty early…let me check with Eric…I think he encouraged some of them to leave."

Eric was a tall, strongly build young black man roughly Bobby's size with a quietly imposing nature. Alex thought it wouldn't take much encouragement to do as he asked. He studied the picture.

"Yea…this group of college kids…we get 'em occasionally…think they can intimidate people or something…this kid…he was nice…apologized for the others…" Eric thought for a moment. "He didn't leave with them, though…he was talking with an older guy in a corner…I think he may have left with him later…"

"What did this guy look like?" Alex asked.

Eric smiled. "A little like you," he said, nodding at Bobby. "Big guy, graying hair. But not in as good shape…he's one of our regulars…probably be here tonight."

Bobby appeared lost in his own thoughts. Alex asked, "You know anything about him?"

Eric handed the photo of M.J. back to her. "Nah…but the kid seemed to know him…"

Alex questioned the rest of the bar's staff; Bobby jotting down their answers in his large binder. It was a reversal of their usual procedure, but Alex sensed he wished her to take the lead. The rest of the staff couldn't, or wouldn't, remember much, although one waiter thought he had seen M.J. leave with an older guy and that the younger man was unsteady on his feet.

Alex and Bobby returned to the SUV where the silence lay like a heavy curtain between them.

"We'll have to come back tonight…see if this guy is there," Bobby finally stated.

Alex gripped the wheel tightly. "You…you don't have to do this, Bobby…I can go…or…"

"We'll both go," Bobby said curtly. He saw Alex stiffened and was filled with remorse. "I…I'm sorry, Alex." His voice was soft. "It's just…there's…"

Alex glanced at him. For a moment she thought and hoped that Bobby might be on the edge of letting her in his cave. "It's ok…I can't begin to imagine…" Alex struggled to find the words to tell Bobby he could trust her; that he didn't have to make this fight alone.

He gently pushed her away from the cave's entrance. "I'm all right, Alex…and I'll be fine…" He gave her his best smile.

Alex reluctantly backed away, but not before making one last stand. "I want backup," she said firmly. "Good backup…we don't know anything about this guy."

They spent the dwindling hours of the afternoon following a few leads, one of which led to a cab driver who had picked up a fare near the bar where M.J. was last seen. The driver remembered the younger man, who seemed drunk, and the older man, who helped him in the cab. He couldn't definitely identify the young man as M.J., but his vague description of the older man fit with Eric's. Bobby and Alex returned to Major Case satisfied they might have the start of a solution.

A preliminary report from the M.E. waited for them on their desks.

"Wow, Goren," one of the detectives said as he passed by Bobby's desk. "You get those reports fast…she must really like you…"

Bobby grinned. "Naw…she just wants me to stay out of her lab."

"I'll report to Deakins…see about that backup for later…I know you love reading those reports," Alex said as she shed her coat. Bobby, already deep in study, gave a barely visible nod of agreement.

Deakins welcomed Alex's report, but the links to the Harrigan case clearly disturbed him.

"How is he?" Deakins asked. Both he and Alex glanced out the office window towards Bobby, who was frowning at some point in the report.

"He…was a little shaken…and quiet in the bar. But he insists he's ok…" Alex stood with her arms folded. "I want good backup when we go back to that bar, Captain…not that I'm worried about Bobby…but …I mean…I'm worried about Bobby, but not that…"

Deakins gave her a weak smile. "I think I know what you're saying, Alex. You'll have good backup…two RELIABLE uniforms…and I'm going." He caught Alex's surprised expression. "I know…part of it's guilt…part of it's that I like Matt Caughley…"

Alex returned to her desk to find Bobby studying another file. The ME report on M.J. Caughley lay on her desk; she began to read it and struggled not to express her surprise and dismay as she read it.

"Bobby," Alex said when she felt she could control her voice. "You've read this…what was found in his blood…"

"Oh…uh…yea…" Bobby's face and voice were blank and empty.

"The same drugs…that the Harrigans gave you…this kid was given an overdose…" Alex felt slightly sick.

"I read the report, Eames. I know what's in it." Bobby's voice retained that horrible empty tone. "We should be going now…our suspect should be at the bar by now if he's coming tonight." He was up and moving before Alex could respond.

Deakins, his coat on, emerged from his office. Bobby, surprised, turned to him.

"I'm going on this one, Bobby…personal favor to Matt Caughley…" Deakins voice betrayed none of his concern for Bobby.

Bobby hesitated. "They're all watching me," he thought. "They're afraid…" Bobby slipped on his coat. "Ok," he shrugged and turned away from Deakins and Alex.

"Well," Bobby thought, "I can't blame them…I'm afraid, too."

Alex and Deakins wanted to join Bobby in the bar; Bobby quietly argued against it. "They know me," he said. "And we don't even know if he'll be in there." They reluctantly and finally agreed, but only after Bobby had promised to get out at the first sign of trouble.

Huddled deep in his coat, his shoulders down, Bobby strode from the SUV to the bar. "They don't trust me," he thought. "They think I can't handle…" He shivered as he stood before the bar's door. "They…they may be right…" Bobby straightened, and plunged into the darkness.

END Chapter 16


	17. Chapter 17

This was written before Season Six, where we learned Alex lives in a house outside of Manhattan. I didn't feel like making changes.

Chapter 17

When she was a little girl, Alex occasionally asked her father about his work as a policeman. "Well," he told her, "it's nothing like television…you spend most of your time waiting for people to do something bad…and waiting to protect other people from those people." Alex was barely out of the academy when she realized that her father had failed to add that the long periods of waiting were punctuated by moments of heart pounding fear and adrenaline. The worst moments of the job were when both scenarios joined to create a situation where a cop waited for what he or she was sure to be one of those adrenaline moments. As Alex and Deakins waited outside the bar, both were certain this wait would lead to one of those moments.

To everyone's surprise and relief, it didn't. Some fifteen minutes after Bobby entered the bar, a large man with a graying beard and hair slipped out of the bar, followed a few seconds later by Bobby. Bobby saw Alex and Deakins, silently pointed at the man, and stepped back in the doorway. Deakins barked a few instructions to the uniforms, and Alex drove the SUV to pick up Bobby. He slipped in the back seat.

"Eric and the bartender both ID'd him," he said leaning forward. "And I recognized him…he hung around, or tried to hang around, Sean Harrigan." Bobby's voice was flat.

Alex drove to the corner. Down a side street, she saw the uniforms talking to their suspect. Deakins was monitoring their conversation over one of the uniforms' mikes.

"He's claiming he went into the bar by mistake…he's never been there…" Deakins said.

Alex snorted.

"Also claims he doesn't know anything about the Caughley boy…but that's a lie…" Deakins said with excitement.

Bobby and Alex looked at their Captain with some surprise.

"This guy is Phil Terrence…he used to work for Matt Caughley…they were close, until Terrence decided to move on to working for the governor…" Deakins shook his head. "No wonder he wants to deny being in that bar…there are rumors he's looking for an office to run for…These cops are good," Deakins said with a smile. "They've convinced him to come in to "clear things up" on a question about his car…"

"I think," Bobby said quietly, "we shouldn't let him see me…let him know that we know he's lying about the bar…"

"We'll let the uniforms take him in," Deakins said. "And Alex can talk to him."

Sitting in the interrogation room across from Alex, Terrence declined to call his lawyer. It was, he told her smoothly, all a misunderstanding. It must have been someone who looked like him, a car that looked like his. Yes, he had worked for Matt Caughley, but had never met his son. Where had he been the night before? At his office and then home…no, no one could vouch for his movements. Bobby, carrying a file, entered the room; Alex saw Terrence's mask slip for a moment as fear trickled into his eyes.

"I…uh…need to check something with Detective Eames," Bobby said as he fumbled with the file.

Alex left the room with Bobby; they joined Deakins in front of the one way mirror.

"He's lying about such obvious things…and why doesn't he want a lawyer?" Alex murmured.

"Because," Bobby answered her, "the truth, for him, is so much more horrible…He can't accept the fact he's gay…he's got too much to lose…" He stood in thought for a moment. "I'd…I'd like to try something…"

Deakins and Alex glanced at Bobby.

"It's nothing dramatic…I just want to see how he reacts to me alone…I know he recognizes me…" Bobby was calm.

Deakins nodded. Alex watched as Bobby entered the room; the same glimmer of fear entered Terrence's eyes, followed by an emotion Alex couldn't quite read. Bobby began his questions, generally repeating the ones Alex had asked. Terrence couldn't quite hide his growing irritation. Finally, especially angered by a question about why he was in the bar, Terrence leaned forward and whispered something to Bobby. There was a beat, and Bobby's head shot up from the forms before him. His back was to Deakins and Alex, but both could see the sudden tension in Bobby. He stared at Terrence for a moment, leaped away from his chair and stormed out the door. Alex exchanged a worried look with Deakins, but Bobby was smiling as he came to them.

"Well, that was satisfying," he said. "Mr. Terrence just promised me he wouldn't mention seeing me in the bar if I helped him out. I wasn't expecting him to respond so openly."

Terrence, a self-satisfied smirk on his face, sat quietly in the interrogation room. Deakins and Alex each permitted themselves a quick smile.

Bobby juggled his binder. "He's seeing it through his eyes...he hates himself because he's gay...he's ashamed on a terribly deep level...so he thinks anyone like him is afraid..."

"And especially a cop..." Deakins said quietly.

"And a big, tough, macho-looking cop," Alex added.

"Macho, Eames? You think I'm macho?" Bobby asked in a mocking voice.

"I said macho-looking," Alex answered in a teasing tone, and was surprised to see a shadow briefly cross Bobby's face.

Deakins, his arms folded, studied their suspect through the interrogation room's window. "I think we've let Mr. Terrence enjoy himself long enough…let's open his eyes."

As Bobby, fumbling with his binder and stumbling slightly, entered the interrogation room, Terrence's expression grew more confident. It became puzzled as Alex and Deakins followed Bobby. It became troubled as Deakins introduced himself.

"I think you should know, Mr. Terrence," Deakins said firmly, "that Detective Goren is one of my best officers...He was instrumental in the successful conclusion of a recent case..." Bobby sat seemingly absorbed in case notes as he sat across from Terrence. Deakins continued. "You might have read about it in the papers...involved a couple of brothers...Sean and Shamus Harrigan." Deakins nodded to Alex and Bobby and left the room. Alex had seen many strange colors on the faces of suspects, but the shades of sickly green and white on Terrence's face at Deakins' reference to the Harrigan brothers were new ones for her.

"So, Mr. Terrence," Bobby said, using a tone of voice that Alex thought panthers would employ if they had the power of speech, "do you still maintain you've never been in that bar before?"

Terrence began to implode.

"Perhaps you'd like to call your lawyer now?" Alex said almost cheerfully.

"I can't...I can't..." Terrence murmured over and over again.

The following interrogation was long and ugly. Bobby slowly and tortuously stripped Terrence of all of his illusions. He admitted he had been to the bar before. Yes, he knew M.J.; he'd been stunned to see the son of his former boss in the bar. He was terrified the young man had seen him. He had talked to him; he was terrified M.J. might reveal his secret life. Finally, sobbing, Terrence confessed that he had known Sean Harrigan, that he had gotten drugs from him, and some of those drugs wound up in M.J.'s drink. Terrence walked the increasingly disoriented young man to his car and then...

"You gave him more drugs...this time with a syringe..." Bobby said. Terrence violently shook his head.

"No...no..."

"Our techs have checked out your car..." Alex said. "They've found fibers from M.J.'s jacket..."

Terrence recoiled.

Bobby leaned forward. "You wanted him," he said. "And you thought if you drugged him...but you gave him too much..."

"I..." Terrence gulped. "I...I'd seen Sean...I'd never used it...I didn't mean...for...Oh, God...what..."

Bobby jumped from his chair so quickly and violently that his chair banged against the wall. Alex started and rose from her chair. Bobby bent over the table; his face inches from Terrence's.

"Do you know what he went through...what those drugs did to him?" Bobby's voice was soft, and Alex thought she would be less frightened if he yelled.

Terrence had slammed his own chair against the wall. "I d...didn't know...please...I didn't mean to...I'm...please...please..."

Bobby slammed his right fist on the table. Terrence reached a new level of terror. "Before he died," Bobby said slamming a photo of the dead boy on the table, "he saw things...he suffered...he thought he was losing his mind..."

"Please! Oh, God...please...I never...please..." Terrence was trying to crawl up the walls.

Alex moved cautiously closer to Bobby. She barely brushed his arm; his head spun around to look at her. Alex fell back as if Bobby had struck her with his fist. She had seen anger in his face before, but never the wild, desperate rage that flooded from his eyes.

Alex swallowed. "Bobby," she said softly.

Bobby stared at her. "Oh, God," he thought. "I'm scaring her...what..." The rage left his eyes, replaced by confusion and fear. Bobby straightened up.

Alex turned to the quivering mass that was Phil Terrence. "You really should call that lawyer, Mr. Terrence. C'mon, Bobby..." She touched Bobby lightly on the arm and guided him through the door.

Deakins, fortunately, hadn't seen the expression on Bobby's face. "Good job, you two," he told Alex and Bobby. Bobby hung back, leaving his face in the shadows. "We'll get Carver down here and get Mr. Terrence processed."

Throughout the horribly slow processing of Terrence, Bobby was eerily quiet. Carver was nearly as pleased as Deakins with the quick and efficient resolution of the case, but he was also disturbed by Bobby's silence. "Is he all right?" he asked Alex.

"Uh...yeah...he's just...he's tired and the case was rough on him..." Alex gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "He'll be back to annoying you tomorrow."

Carver gave her a look somewhere between a grin and a grimace and turned to begin his negotiations with Terrence's recently arrived and very confused lawyer.

It was nearly ten when the paperwork was finished, and Deakins released Alex and Bobby with several words of praise. Alex stepped out into the cold, clear night; she tilted her head back and breathed deeply. Bobby, staring into the distance, stood beside her.

"C'mon," she said to him. "I'll give you coffee...and maybe some pizza..."

Bobby said nothing as they rode in a cab to Alex's apartment. In contrast to Bobby's plain studio, Alex's one bedroom was warm and slightly cluttered. In addition to books, her shelves were covered with photos and a variety of stuffed animals. More photos dotted the walls, and the result was a warm, inviting world.

Bobby wordlessly handed his coat to Alex and began pacing in her living room. He shed his suit jacket and loosened his tie.

"Hey," she called from the kitchen, "you ok?"

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck. "She was scared of me in there…hell, why not? I was scared of me…why did she bring me here? Afraid I'll do something…can't be trusted to take care of myself?" Rage and confusion rose in Bobby.

"Here." Alex emerged from the kitchen and handed Bobby some coffee. "You want to…" Her voice died as her eyes met Bobby's.

Bobby sat his coffee on Alex's desk. "She's afraid of you…pities you…what does she want….what's she doing with me…"

Alex retreated to the kitchen. She sat her coffee on the counter and tried to slow her rapid breathing. The look in Bobby's eyes terrified her; it was the same look that had sent Terrance climbing the wall. "He won't hurt me," she thought. "I can trust him…" She took a deep breath and went into the living room.

Bobby, his back to her, was standing near her couch. His right hand was rubbing the back of his neck. She stepped towards him cautiously.

"Bobby?" she whispered as she softly touched his arm.

He spun around and was on her before she understood what was happening. He pinned her on the couch, her right arm trapped behind her, her left arm caught in his iron grip. She cried out in surprise and pain, but the cry was stifled by his savage kiss.

And Alex was very afraid.

End Chapter 17


	18. Chapter 18

This chapter contains some rough language.

Chapter 18

Bobby's weight pressed Alex into the couch; she could barely breathe. "He's too big…too strong," she thought. She tried to wriggle free, to get a leg between her body and Bobby; he responded by pressing harder against her. She tried to think, no easy task with the thoughts bombarding her. "Scream…no…" Alex thought. "I don't want to get him…maybe let him…maybe it would help him…what would it do to us….I want him…no…he's hurting…he wouldn't…"

Alex struggled to breathe. "Bobby…please…"

His left hand grabbed her by the chin and neck; it covered the lower half of her face. "Please what, Alexandra?" His voice was soft and cold. "You want me to …to fuck you? Will that solve everything? Let your pitiful partner fuck you until he feels better? Feels like a real man? Forgets about the dreams and nightmares? Make him forget that he needed you and you weren't there? Forget the stares he gets and that everyone is afraid he can't do the job? That he'll go crazy…that…that…"

Alex searched the cold dark eyes staring at her for some sign of the Bobby Goren she knew. His fingers felt like steel on her neck, and Alex knew Bobby could kill her with a snap. "He won't," she thought. "Bobby is still there…." She fought to keep her voice quiet and even.

"Please, Bobby. You're hurting me. You're scaring me."

The pressure on her neck and wrist lessened.

"I…I don't feel pity for you, Bobby…I…want to help you…I know you can do the job…I'm sorry…I couldn't get there…"

Bobby bought his face as close to Alex's as he could without letting it touch her. She heard and felt his deep, raspy breath; she thought she sensed his stubble  
brushing against her cheek. "Why help me?" he rumbled.

She turned her head so that their cheeks touched. "Because…you're my partner…my friend…because….because I care about you…for you…"

Bobby stared at her. "Oh, God," he murmured. "What am I…what have I become?" He reeled off Alex and the couch and staggered backwards.

Alex gingerly raised her body. "Bobby," she said softly. "C'mon…let's talk…"

"No…no…oh, Alex….what…oh, God…forgive…" He was shaking violently.

"Bobby." Alex stood up and stepped towards him.

"No!" Bobby screamed and ran for the door. He was through it and down the hall before Alex could react. Rushing to the door, she got a glimpse of Bobby  
bolting through the stairwell door at the end of the hall.

"I can't catch him…even if I got the elevator," Alex thought. She rushed back inside her apartment and to the window facing the street. The streetlights caught  
Bobby fleeing her apartment building. Turning, Alex saw his jacket and coat lying on a chair.

"Oh, no," she thought. "It's freezing…he's in his shirtsleeves…he still has his gun…I've got to find him." Alex sat down heavily on her couch. "Think,  
girl…think…call Deakins…no…can't tell him why…Bobby will have nothing…no job…call Huang…same problem…where would he go…where would he feel safe…work…or …his cave." Alex slipped on her coat, grabbed Bobby's jacket and coat, and hurried out in search of her partner. She hesitated as she left her building; fortune briefly smiled on her and Alex flagged the cab moving down the street.

"You're lucky, lady…I'm on my way home…where's my last fare going?" the cabbie said.

Alex considered. Bobby's cave was as good as any place to start. She gave the driver the address of Bobby's apartment.

Bobby ran wildly, blindly down the street. His only thought was to get away from Alex, to not hurt her. The clear night had given way to clouds and wind; a  
heavy cold rain began to pelt Bobby, although he scarcely noticed it until his feet began to slip. The rain had just turned to ice when Bobby stumbled on a  
curb and his body slammed into the pavement. He staggered to his feet and lurched into a doorway. Bobby felt something warm on his face; his knee hurt;  
he gasped for breath; and his hands were scraped and bleeding. He stared at his blurred reflection in a store window. His head was bloody from cuts and  
scrapes.

"I look like," Bobby thought, "a monster…and that's what I am…what I did to Alex…oh, God…what I said to her." His hand found his gun and pulled it from its holster. "I should end it now…I've nothing…I've lost…when they find out, they'll never let me work again…I've lost Alex…my mind…Alex…" He stared at the gun. "End it…just end it…they'll all be better off without me…I can't stand the pain in their eyes…" Bobby had to move. He started walking numbly down the street, unaware of his body's pain and the icy rain. He clutched the gun in his left hand. "But my mom…who'll take care of her…the papers in my apartment…need to put them somewhere where they'll be found." His thoughts raced. "Don't want someone…find my body…note…door warn them…need to write Alex…not her fault…" A strange calm settled on Bobby. "It's the best decision…no one…just make sure Alex…everyone knows it's not their fault…" He marched steadily towards his apartment.

Alex knocked on Bobby's door. She listened intently, but heard no sounds of life behind it. She pulled the key Bobby had given her some six months after the  
start of their partnership—he had handed it to her with a quick explanation that there might be some reason she might need it. She had handed him a key to  
her place with an equally brief statement, but this was the first time either of them had found a need to use either key. Alex cautiously unlocked the door and  
entered the apartment. She heard the bolt fall into place behind her.

"Bobby?" she called. It took only a few moments for her to be sure Bobby wasn't in the apartment. Alex stood uncertainly in the middle of the room; she had  
no idea where Bobby might be, and she didn't want to think about what he might be doing. "All right," she thought. "What do I do now? Maybe I have to call  
Deakins…"

Alex heard the soft click of a key in the lock. She moved quickly and quietly to the dark kitchen.

Bobby entered his apartment, checked to make sure the door locked, and attached the security chain. He stood before the door for a moment and stared down at his gun. He shivered and moved into the living room. He sat heavily in the chair at his desk and placed the gun down next to his computer. He was so lost in his thoughts that he was unaware of Alex's presence until she was directly at his side.

Alex approached Bobby cautiously. In the dim light coming from the street she could see his gun on his desk, and her heart bled for him.

"Hey," she said gently. "You left your jacket and coat..."

He didn't jump or reach for his gun; Bobby barely turned towards her. His eyes were still on his gun. Alex knelt in front of him and placed her hands on his  
knees.

"You're a very good detective, Alex Eames." The defeated tone in his voice broke Alex's heart.

"Not that good…I just thought this was the place to start." Alex struggled to keep her voice calm.

"I…not many places for me…to go." Bobby's left hand reached up and covered the gun.

Swallowing her fear, Alex placed a hand over Bobby's icy hand.

"You're…cold…and wet. You need to get dry and warm, or you'll get sick...you're hurt..." she said.

Bobby gave a weak smile. "Doesn't make much difference, does it? Since I'm already sick…and dangerous…"

Alex let her hand tighten on his. "No," she said firmly. "You're not dangerous and sick…you're exhausted and frightened and trying to deal with something horrible, but you're not dangerous."

Bobby stared at the rug. "I…I nearly…what I did…said to you…Alex…"

"You were hurt…you've held it in too long…I've been mad at me, too…for not helping you…I…I've been mad at you… for getting yourself in that position…for not talking to me…" Alex decided the only safe route was the honest one. "You stopped, Bobby…when you realized what you were doing, you stopped…you could never hurt anyone like that…" She took Bobby's chin in her hand and lifted his face.

Bobby's eyes met hers and brimmed with tears. He began shaking. "No...no..." he whispered.

Alex brushed his cheek. "It'll be all right, Bobby...Here...we need to get you cleaned up." She stood up; Bobby clung to her hand. "Come with me," she  
said tugging him to his feet.

Alex managed to get both her and Bobby into his tiny bathroom. She helped him get his shirt and undershirt off. "Think you can take a shower?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Ok...you do that...and then we'll take care of those scrapes..." Alex took refuge in the routine.

"Alex?" Bobby asked as she started to leave the bathroom.

She paused in the doorway.

"You don't have to...I promise...I won't do anything..."

"I need to do this," Alex said firmly. "I owe you. Take that shower."

The hot water stung the scrapes on Bobby's face and his cold hand and feet, but he felt the blood begin to move again through his body. He wanted to cry, to  
scream, to pound the walls, but he couldn't rouse the energy. "Why," he thought, "is she still here? Why hasn't she had me arrested? What...?" He leaned  
against the wet tile and tried to find some sense, some logic in the chaos in his mind.

Alex's voice broke in on his thoughts.

"Hey...finish up in there or I'm dragging you out naked."

Bobby turned off the water and cautiously poked his head from behind the shower. Alex had deposited a pair of boxers and a T-shirt on the counter; he stepped from the shower, dried off--wincing as the rough cloth brushed against his scrapes--and slipped on the clothes. He emerged from the bathroom to find Alex waiting for him. She guided him to sit on the bed and gently checked his injuries.

"It's not too bad...I don't think you even need any first aid cream or anything..." She gently turned his head, and knelt before him. Alex took both of his hands in hers. "I put your gun back in the holster and sat it on your desk."

Bobby stared down at their hands.

"Please...Bobby...talk to me...for me...for you...for our partnership..."

Bobby glanced at her. "There's...there's still...a partnership? After what...I did?"

"You stopped...like I said...it wasn't you...what happened..." She squeezed his hand.

Bobby sighed. "I've lied...to you...Deakins...Huang...I remember...everything. What happened at the Harrigans..." He began to shiver.

Alex rose and, still holding his hands, sat next to Bobby on the bed. Bobby's shivering turned to shaking. Alex wrapped her arms around him; Bobby clung to her, and the words began to pour out of him.

"I wouldn't have gone in...I'm not crazy...in spite of what everyone says...I'm not...if I'd known...in there...I knew...if you didn't come...I was...they were going to...to...beat me...rape me...if they found the wire...they'd kill me...I tried to fight them...but...but they...too much...the drugs...I knew if I could just hold on until you came...you'd save me...Shamus would've killed me...but Sean...his obsession...so deep..."

Bobby gulped. Alex held him tighter.

"It...it wasn't the physical...the threat of...the rape...it was the drugs...like they...were...raping my mind...I couldn't bear it...and...I saw your face...the look on it...I knew...the same one on my face...when my Mom...I could only think about...ending it...and I grabbed at your gun...only thing...but...but you were...are...so strong...and you saved me...and...tonight...oh, God...forgive me...Alex...Alex...Alex..."

The sobs took Bobby and shook his body. Alex held him and wept with him.

End Chapter 18


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Alex's tears stopped first. Bobby continued sobbing, occasionally crying, "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…please." Alex stroked his head and back and softly spoke to him. "It's all right, Bobby…I'm here…I'm here." His sobs finally began to ease and then ended. Alex continued to hold him; Bobby shivered.

She reached into one of her pockets and pulled out some Kleenex. She gently wiped Bobby's eyes and nose.

"I'm…I'm…s…sorry," he rasped.

She rested her lips against his forehead. "You've said that," she murmured into his skin. "Remember...in the hospital...you said that to me..."

"Uh...yea...yea.." Bobby's shivering started to ease.

"It's all right, Bobby...we're all right." Alex stroked his hair. "I trust you...please...believe me...I trust you...I don't want anyone else as my partner...I don't..." Alex took a deep breath. "I don't want anyone else for anything...I...I want you..."

Bobby's head shot up; his dark eyes, red rimmed and still brimming with tears, stared at her. "Alex?" he whispered. "What...what do you mean?"

She gently and slowly slipped from his arms.

"You're getting cold," she said, and pushed Bobby down on his pillows. She pulled the sheets and blankets over him, and leaned over to brush his forehead with her lips. Their warmth radiated through him.

"Your sheets are soft," she whispered. She stood up and reached down to pull her sweater over her head.

Bobby struggled to find his voice. "Alex…" he choked out. "You…don't do have to…don't do this…your career…"

Alex paused and looked down at him. "What about your career?" she asked.

"I…I…without you…I'm not sure…" Bobby's long fingers plucked at the blanket. "No," he whispered. "That's not fair…I'm not your responsibility…."

"Am I yours?" Her voice was soft and warm.

Bobby looked up at her. Alex had shed her sweater and was stepping out of her pants. The sight of her, clad only in her bra and panties, took Bobby's breath away.

"What I think," Alex said in a strong voice that betrayed none of her own fears, "is that we've been each other's responsibility for a long time…we just haven't admitted it." She reached behind her to take off her bra.

Bobby found his breath. He sat up, and his hands hovered near Alex. He couldn't trust them to touch her.

"Alex…why…why are you doing this?"

"Because…because…" Alex took a deep breath. "Because I feel guilty…because I think you need someone…you need me…because…because I need you…mostly…because I love you." She released her bra and let it fall to the floor.

Bobby gasped, leaned forward, and embraced Alex. His head rested just below her breasts; she wrapped her arms around his head. They both shivered from the chill and tension in the air.

"I…I …love you too, Alex." Bobby's lips moved gently against Alex's skin; she thrilled to the rough feel of his stubble. "But…but…you don't…don't have to…"

Alex spoke in Bobby's soft curls. "Do you want me?"

Bobby trembled. "Oh…oh…yes…oh, Alex…I've never wanted…needed…anyone so much…" He looked up at her.

Alex kissed him, and the world spun around them. Bobby, not breaking the kiss, pulled her down on the bed with him. He reached down and carefully pulled down her panties; Alex kicked them off. Suspended over Alex, Bobby's eyes embraced her, studying her creamy skin, the soft, pale hair.

"You…you are…so…Alex…I've dreamed…but you're so much more than anything I've dreamed of…so beautiful…" He sat up and shed his T-shirt and boxers.

Alex smiled at him. "Didn't keep those on long…"

He smiled back at her and let his fingers brush against her breasts. A shadow crossed his face.

"Hey," Alex said and she pulled him down so that his head rested on her shoulder. "Don't go away now."

"Alex?" Bobby's voice rumbled through Alex's body.

"Yea." She stroked his head.

"For women…when…does it…does it always hurt…are you afraid…when…sex?"

Alex turned Bobby's head so she could see his eyes. "It shouldn't…if…there's love…and the man cares…"

"I'm afraid…I'm so afraid…that I'll hurt you." His eyes burned her soul. "Ever since…to be so vulnerable…It's…it was terrifying to me, and I can only imagine…"

"You won't hurt me." She took his face in her hands. "I know you won't…I trust you…although," Alex glanced down at Bobby's growing cock, "we'll need to take it slow…you're a big guy."

Bobby reddened for a moment. His hands covered Alex's face and he kissed her. "I know that I can't promise that I'll never hurt you…but I do promise you I will never hurt you deliberately…I love you so much, Alex…for what you are…for what you do…"

Alex felt tears slip from her eyes. "Oh, Bobby…Bobby…" She returned the kiss, and for several minutes they held and kissed each other. They let their bodies revel in touching each other; their kisses becoming deeper and stronger. Bobby finally broke a kiss and reached over to the small table beside the bed.

"I hope there's still some in here," he said as he fumbled in the small drawer.

"Use a lot of them, do you?" Alex said teasingly.

Bobby smiled as he pulled a condom out. "Not lately." He looked at Alex. "Actually…it's been a while…"

"Me to," Alex said. "Bobby…the only thing I'm afraid of is…is…I want to make you happy…I…I…"

Bobby kissed her on the forehead. "I know…I want to do the same for you…"

"We need to let ourselves…to enjoy…oh…"

Bobby nibbled at Alex's neck and one hand cupped a breast. "Like that?"

"Yes…oh…"

He moved down her neck, placing small nips and kisses as he went. His hands stroked her breasts, stopping to play with the nipples. His mouth reached the point where Alex's neck and collar bone met. She writhed and ran her hands through his hair as he kissed and sucked at the sensitive skin.

"Ah," he said, his lips sparking electric currents on her skin, "there's your spot."

Before Alex could answer, Bobby's mouth was on her right breast. He kissed the nipple, softly swirled his tongue around it while his hand stroked and cupped her left breast. He took the nipple in his mouth and sucked gently on it.

"Bobby…oh…please…oh." Alex gripped his curls.

"Oh, Alex…love…you taste…so sweet…"

Alex lifted his face to hers. She kissed him deeply, letting her tongue play with his. She managed to turn him on his side, and it was Bobby's turn to murmur incoherently as Alex planted kisses down his neck and shoulders. Her hands tangled the soft hair on his chest and played with his nipples.

"A…Alex…oh, God…please…"

Alex reached for the condom and removed it. Bobby groaned in pleasure as her small, soft, warm hands encircled his cock and slipped the condom on. He gently pushed her on her back. Alex lay before him, her arms and legs open, inviting him.

"Please…Bobby…now…I'm ready…please." Her arms reached for him.

Bobby stared down at her. "I'm here…with Alex," he thought. "I'm alive…she loves me…I love her…."

She gasped as he entered her. Fearing he had hurt her, Bobby slowed, but Alex pushed up against him. He moved slowly—thrusting in and out; each thrust tightening the coil inside Alex.

"Bobby," she said suddenly.

The world spinning around him, Bobby hesitated.

"Look at me….look at me…" she gasped.

He stared into her eyes; they were warm, shining, full of love and want. He resumed his thrusts, loosing all sense of who or where he was. All he knew or felt was Alex…Alex…Alex. She moved with him, and the world became only the two of them. The world exploded and imploded. Alex heard screams that sounded vaguely like her and Bobby's voices before waves of pleasure swept through her.

Alex blinked. Through the haze surrounding her mind she realized she was on her side. Bobby was still inside her, and their arms and legs were so tangled that Alex couldn't quite tell where she ended and Bobby began. Bobby blinked at her, and Alex watched as tears fell from his dark eyes. She brushed her hand against his cheek; she was surprised to feel the tears on her own cheeks. Bobby brushed his hand against her cheek, and kissed away her tears. He slipped slowly and gently out of her, removed the condom, and dropped it in the wastebasket. She pushed him back on the pillows; Bobby drew the sheets and blankets up and over them. For a few moments, they rested in the small, warm cave.

Alex waited until Bobby's heart was no longer pounding. Her head rested on his chest. "Thank you," she murmured.

"I…I …love you, Alex." Bobby replied. His voice was a low rumble against her ear. "Thank…you."

Alex propped up on her arms so that she could look down at him.

"This," he whispered, "was wonderful…but…it's going to take me…"

She pressed a finger to his lips and traced his mouth. "I know…you'll go to your sessions…tell the truth…know that I love you…"

"Yes."

"You'll let me help you? And everyone…"

"Yes."

"And, my big, wonderful, gentle Bear…you'll take care of me?"

Bobby smiled at her. "Yes…yes…my love."

Alex smiled back at him. "Ok," she said dropping back into his arms. "Let's get a little hibernation time…"

The End


End file.
